One a May for all of day...
We are officially into double digits, yall! Woo-wee! Wee-woo!! Pee Poo!!! See Through!! Pee-eww!!! Pea Stew!!!! Knee Glue!!!!! Tree Dew!!! Bee Flew!!!! Glee Chew!!!! Mee Moo!!!!!!! Me, You!!!! We, Who???? Sea Clue!!!!!! Tea, Blue!!!!! Free Zoo!!!!
Any takers??
May 10th. 2008. Only 21 more days of Madness to go.
Man, I hate this.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Friday, May 09, 2008
Blame it on "Blame it on the Rain"
one A dAy for All of mAy...
I found myself singing Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the Rain" yesterday and as is my custom, I analyze and critique the lyrics. Here we have a sad story via really bad song about a man who "said good bye" and thus "sacrificed a good love" but is now feeling regret about the decision. He looks back on a poorly thought-through break up and decides that he "gotta blame it on something, gotta blame it on something." So he does what any rational, cultured, educated person does. He blames it on precipitation.
The part that never really stood out to me before but now does is the line, "Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you." This is clearly denial. I can see it now: No, no, it can't be my fault for prematurely breaking up with a "good love." It is just out of the question. It is isn't even an option that I might possibly be wrong here. It was the rain's fault. It was fallin' fallin'. And....and....(looking around frantically searching for something else)....I'll blame the stars! Yeah, that's it! It was the stars' fault! They shine at night. That is clearly blameworthy. But whatever I do, I won't put the blame on me.
I think I am going to use that excuse the next time Kathryn gets upset with me. "Matt, you said you would empty the dish washer." And I'll go, "Hey, don't look at me. Blame the precipitation. It was fallin fallin." Who blames rain?!? Honestly, people.
I found myself singing Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the Rain" yesterday and as is my custom, I analyze and critique the lyrics. Here we have a sad story via really bad song about a man who "said good bye" and thus "sacrificed a good love" but is now feeling regret about the decision. He looks back on a poorly thought-through break up and decides that he "gotta blame it on something, gotta blame it on something." So he does what any rational, cultured, educated person does. He blames it on precipitation.
The part that never really stood out to me before but now does is the line, "Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you." This is clearly denial. I can see it now: No, no, it can't be my fault for prematurely breaking up with a "good love." It is just out of the question. It is isn't even an option that I might possibly be wrong here. It was the rain's fault. It was fallin' fallin'. And....and....(looking around frantically searching for something else)....I'll blame the stars! Yeah, that's it! It was the stars' fault! They shine at night. That is clearly blameworthy. But whatever I do, I won't put the blame on me.
I think I am going to use that excuse the next time Kathryn gets upset with me. "Matt, you said you would empty the dish washer." And I'll go, "Hey, don't look at me. Blame the precipitation. It was fallin fallin." Who blames rain?!? Honestly, people.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Oranges: Impenetrable Security System of Risk
Still, one a day for all of May...
There is nothing worse than spending an inordinate amount of time peeling an orange by hand to find out upon consumption that the orange is bad. You spend countless minutes (and seconds) carefully wedging your fingers between the thin outer peel/crust of protection and the soft, fragile, fruit beneath, pulling back and discarding the unnecessary "orange-bark" miniature-bit by miniature-bit. The anticipation builds. The suspense suspends. You anxiously await the first bite of pure, sweet, Florida Orange, the literal "fruit" of all of your labors.
And so you do. And something doesn't taste quite right. This isn't how an orange is supposed to taste, you think. So you keep chewing and give another orange wedge a try. You reason that maybe that first wedge tasted funny, but the rest will be good. And your reasoning turns out to be faulty. The rest is not good. It is, in fact, bad. Very bad. It tastes like chemicals. It is exceptionally chewy. It shouldn't be this chewy. It shouldn't taste like chemicals. It shouldn't be this way...not after all those countless minutes (and seconds) of peeling, discarding, wedging, wincing, gerunding, and tapping.
Pure Madness.
There is nothing worse than spending an inordinate amount of time peeling an orange by hand to find out upon consumption that the orange is bad. You spend countless minutes (and seconds) carefully wedging your fingers between the thin outer peel/crust of protection and the soft, fragile, fruit beneath, pulling back and discarding the unnecessary "orange-bark" miniature-bit by miniature-bit. The anticipation builds. The suspense suspends. You anxiously await the first bite of pure, sweet, Florida Orange, the literal "fruit" of all of your labors.
And so you do. And something doesn't taste quite right. This isn't how an orange is supposed to taste, you think. So you keep chewing and give another orange wedge a try. You reason that maybe that first wedge tasted funny, but the rest will be good. And your reasoning turns out to be faulty. The rest is not good. It is, in fact, bad. Very bad. It tastes like chemicals. It is exceptionally chewy. It shouldn't be this chewy. It shouldn't taste like chemicals. It shouldn't be this way...not after all those countless minutes (and seconds) of peeling, discarding, wedging, wincing, gerunding, and tapping.
Pure Madness.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Conserving Water While Losing Dignity
One a day for all of May...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Last night, I took a shower with a bucket. Now, don't misunderstand me. I didn't use a bucket to shower myself. I brought an empty bucket with me into the shower to collect the water that dripped off of my dirty body. Why did I do that? To conserve water for watering the yard. Translation: To save money on our water bill.
There I was in the shower standing next to an enormous 5 gallon bucket. I couldn't really tell where the most effective water-collecting spot to put it was. I tried beside me, hoping to catch some of those long, thick streams that seem to fall from my elbows. But it didn't seem to do the trick. So I then I thought about straddling it, having it be directly under me. This seemed to work fairly well, but covered the drain...so what didn't get collected by the bucket didn't get collected by the plumbing either.
Despite the awkwardness at times, I think it is a good idea. Brilliant even. Why waste all that water when you can snag it and pour it on your plants. It really sucks to be a plant, come to think of it. You get peed on my dogs and then dumped with 5 gallons of someone's dirty bath water.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Last night, I took a shower with a bucket. Now, don't misunderstand me. I didn't use a bucket to shower myself. I brought an empty bucket with me into the shower to collect the water that dripped off of my dirty body. Why did I do that? To conserve water for watering the yard. Translation: To save money on our water bill.
There I was in the shower standing next to an enormous 5 gallon bucket. I couldn't really tell where the most effective water-collecting spot to put it was. I tried beside me, hoping to catch some of those long, thick streams that seem to fall from my elbows. But it didn't seem to do the trick. So I then I thought about straddling it, having it be directly under me. This seemed to work fairly well, but covered the drain...so what didn't get collected by the bucket didn't get collected by the plumbing either.
Despite the awkwardness at times, I think it is a good idea. Brilliant even. Why waste all that water when you can snag it and pour it on your plants. It really sucks to be a plant, come to think of it. You get peed on my dogs and then dumped with 5 gallons of someone's dirty bath water.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
My Dog Loves Urine
One a day for all of May...
Our dog has a propensity of sticking her face in urine. We go on a walk around the neighborhood and she incessantly stops to plunge her snout into a bush, a telephone pole, or a tuft of grass just to inhale a fresh wave of urine odor. She loves it. And I don't quite understand.
I don't understand why she would be so thrilled with that smell and not others (like freshly cut cedar, or roasted almonds). Sure...I know some dog before us has decided to "mark its territory" with a quick little squirt of pee, but why does my dog take the time to actually investigate? Perhaps she was thinking of "marking her territory" on that spot and wanted to make sure she wasn't going to get herself into some trouble with the previous "territory owner."
Ok...help me understand how urine equals territory. Everywhere one pees, that's now your property? That's how it works?! That is the #1 real estate law in the dog world, apparently. And what is with this global take-over mindset? I've seen dogs pee all over the place. Oh, so every single spot is now yours? That's really selfish. And a bit tyrannical and totalitarian, if you ask me. The dogs don't even utilize their new "territory" once they "mark it" anyway. They just pee on it, claim it as theirs, and move on. They may never come back to it again, but hey, they peed on it, so it's theirs. And my dog comes along behind them and breathes it all in...every last sniff of pure, dog urine.
Our dog has a propensity of sticking her face in urine. We go on a walk around the neighborhood and she incessantly stops to plunge her snout into a bush, a telephone pole, or a tuft of grass just to inhale a fresh wave of urine odor. She loves it. And I don't quite understand.
I don't understand why she would be so thrilled with that smell and not others (like freshly cut cedar, or roasted almonds). Sure...I know some dog before us has decided to "mark its territory" with a quick little squirt of pee, but why does my dog take the time to actually investigate? Perhaps she was thinking of "marking her territory" on that spot and wanted to make sure she wasn't going to get herself into some trouble with the previous "territory owner."
Ok...help me understand how urine equals territory. Everywhere one pees, that's now your property? That's how it works?! That is the #1 real estate law in the dog world, apparently. And what is with this global take-over mindset? I've seen dogs pee all over the place. Oh, so every single spot is now yours? That's really selfish. And a bit tyrannical and totalitarian, if you ask me. The dogs don't even utilize their new "territory" once they "mark it" anyway. They just pee on it, claim it as theirs, and move on. They may never come back to it again, but hey, they peed on it, so it's theirs. And my dog comes along behind them and breathes it all in...every last sniff of pure, dog urine.
Monday, May 05, 2008
¡Madness de Mayo!
¿Uno un día para todo Mayo?
May 5th. Cinco de Mayo. Today we celebrate Mexico. On May 5th, a long time ago, they became independent. We celebrate their independence. I'm not really sure what they were so dependent on. I am fairly ignorant on the whole holiday in all honesty. But that doesn't mean that I won't participate in the celebration. I will celebrate Mexico's independence. There is nothing like partying and celebrating the national history of a nation whose history I know nothing about.
It is a bit unfortunate that the Spanish word "Mayo" happens to be the American shorthand for mayonnaise. If you didn't know better, you would think Mexico was celebrating mayonnaise. A huge national holiday for whipped fat.
May 5th. Cinco de Mayo. Today we celebrate Mexico. On May 5th, a long time ago, they became independent. We celebrate their independence. I'm not really sure what they were so dependent on. I am fairly ignorant on the whole holiday in all honesty. But that doesn't mean that I won't participate in the celebration. I will celebrate Mexico's independence. There is nothing like partying and celebrating the national history of a nation whose history I know nothing about.
It is a bit unfortunate that the Spanish word "Mayo" happens to be the American shorthand for mayonnaise. If you didn't know better, you would think Mexico was celebrating mayonnaise. A huge national holiday for whipped fat.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Confused....again
One a day for all of May...
A number of days ago, I stood in our backyard surveying the landscape. Wet. Everything was soaked. It had rained pretty hard the night before and now the earth was wet. The blades of grass were carrying beads of water. Puddles had formed in certain areas. As I metaphorically drank the scene in, one thought occurred to me.
Where do squirrels go when it rains?
I looked up in the branches for squirrels. Not in that tree. And nope, not in that tree over there. So I thought, those squirrels are probably a few houses down, in someone else's trees. But this surely can't be right. I looked across the way to our neighbor's trees. No squirrels. No squirrels anywhere.
Where do they take shelter amidst the downfall?
Do they even have a place to hide at all?
What would happen if a squirrel got wet?
Does the squirrel have the capacity to be upset?
When it rains and pours, do they climb up high?
(For surely a branch can't keep them dry).
Do they burrow in holes simply out of fear?
Or are they wizards and just disappear?
A number of days ago, I stood in our backyard surveying the landscape. Wet. Everything was soaked. It had rained pretty hard the night before and now the earth was wet. The blades of grass were carrying beads of water. Puddles had formed in certain areas. As I metaphorically drank the scene in, one thought occurred to me.
Where do squirrels go when it rains?
I looked up in the branches for squirrels. Not in that tree. And nope, not in that tree over there. So I thought, those squirrels are probably a few houses down, in someone else's trees. But this surely can't be right. I looked across the way to our neighbor's trees. No squirrels. No squirrels anywhere.
Where do they take shelter amidst the downfall?
Do they even have a place to hide at all?
What would happen if a squirrel got wet?
Does the squirrel have the capacity to be upset?
When it rains and pours, do they climb up high?
(For surely a branch can't keep them dry).
Do they burrow in holes simply out of fear?
Or are they wizards and just disappear?
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Banana Runts
One a day for all of May...
I have been thinking about this for some time. There are a few food items that people either really like or really hate...without much middle ground in between. Loathing or Loving. For example: Banana Runts. You either comb through your bag of Runts to remove them or to savor them. I've been asking around and this seems to be true. Although in my informal surveys, I have (iHave) discovered that most people prefer the "hate" option. By the way, when was the last time you had a Runt? I can't remember. It has had to have been several years. That's hard to imagine that there really has been a Runt depletion in my life for YEARS (iWow).
Same way with coconut. You either love it or hate it. I love it. I also love Banana Runts. But hey, I'm also writing a blog at 7:00 am on Saturday morning. And I'm in desperate need of a shower.
I have been thinking about this for some time. There are a few food items that people either really like or really hate...without much middle ground in between. Loathing or Loving. For example: Banana Runts. You either comb through your bag of Runts to remove them or to savor them. I've been asking around and this seems to be true. Although in my informal surveys, I have (iHave) discovered that most people prefer the "hate" option. By the way, when was the last time you had a Runt? I can't remember. It has had to have been several years. That's hard to imagine that there really has been a Runt depletion in my life for YEARS (iWow).
Same way with coconut. You either love it or hate it. I love it. I also love Banana Runts. But hey, I'm also writing a blog at 7:00 am on Saturday morning. And I'm in desperate need of a shower.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Pros and Cons
Yesterday in the shower I was trying to think of the pros and cons of being either a professional or a con-man. Here is what I've come up with:
Professional
Pros:
-Well, you're a professional
-The title demands respect
-You probably get paid a lot of money
-You are good at what you do
Cons:
-The title can't be good for humility
-You are only really good at one specific area/niche
-People will demand much of you and your time
Con-man
Pros:
-You get to act (which is fun)
-You don't have to punch a time sheet
-You don't have to pay taxes
Cons:
-You're breaking the law
-You hurt people by stealing their money
-You run the risk of getting beaten up, shot, killed, or put in prison
So...after weighing the pros and cons of being either a pro or a con, it seems pretty even. Neck and neck, I would say. Cheek and cheek, even. The pros for being a pro are about the same as the number of cons for being a con. And likewise, the cons for pros are about the same as the pros for cons. I suppose the only thing that would tip the scale would be what kind of pro you were. A professional basketball player may be better than a professional pie-eater. A professional athlete would bring in more money than a business professional (and also someone who is told by their friends that they act 'professional.')
I suppose the perfect option here would to be a professional con-man. Or better yet, a professional con-man who cons professional athletes. I'm not sure if there are any cons to that.
Professional
Pros:
-Well, you're a professional
-The title demands respect
-You probably get paid a lot of money
-You are good at what you do
Cons:
-The title can't be good for humility
-You are only really good at one specific area/niche
-People will demand much of you and your time
Con-man
Pros:
-You get to act (which is fun)
-You don't have to punch a time sheet
-You don't have to pay taxes
Cons:
-You're breaking the law
-You hurt people by stealing their money
-You run the risk of getting beaten up, shot, killed, or put in prison
So...after weighing the pros and cons of being either a pro or a con, it seems pretty even. Neck and neck, I would say. Cheek and cheek, even. The pros for being a pro are about the same as the number of cons for being a con. And likewise, the cons for pros are about the same as the pros for cons. I suppose the only thing that would tip the scale would be what kind of pro you were. A professional basketball player may be better than a professional pie-eater. A professional athlete would bring in more money than a business professional (and also someone who is told by their friends that they act 'professional.')
I suppose the perfect option here would to be a professional con-man. Or better yet, a professional con-man who cons professional athletes. I'm not sure if there are any cons to that.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
May Madness 2: The Return of the Rerun
One a day for all of May...
This is officially Round 2. The SECOND annual May Madness. This is May Madness: The Sequel.
And this got me thinking about sequels. They can be pretty good...or pretty awful. Interestingly enough, most good sequels don't stop there. They go on to form Trilogies. There is something about 3 that is better than 2. And let's face it...if you got a good thing going, you can squeeze a couple more million dollars out of it by rounding out a trilogy.
Home Alone 2. Pretty good. Home Alone 3 dropped Macaulay and...well....you didn't see it did you? Exactly.
Terminator 2 was historic. It was so good, nobody really even talks about Terminator 1. Just Terminator 2. I don't think I've seen either, actually.
Men in Black 2. Uhh....should have just left it alone with #1.
And then you have the Disney sequels. The blockbusting Disney motion pictures that come out in the theater have been known to come out with subsequent and very terrible sequels that you can only purchase in grocery stores. The animation is sloppy, I'm not sure there is any Disney-esque singing involved, and don't count on recognizing any of the voice-over actors. Ever heard of Lion King 2: The Return of Mufasa? You wouldn't have, unless you shop at Food Lion. What about "The Little Mermaid 3: Unda Da Sea Again!!" And what about "The Land Before Time 8"? Uh....yeah.
Some movies rightfully don't make for good sequels. For example, the movie "The One."
Oh, the madness.
This is officially Round 2. The SECOND annual May Madness. This is May Madness: The Sequel.
And this got me thinking about sequels. They can be pretty good...or pretty awful. Interestingly enough, most good sequels don't stop there. They go on to form Trilogies. There is something about 3 that is better than 2. And let's face it...if you got a good thing going, you can squeeze a couple more million dollars out of it by rounding out a trilogy.
Home Alone 2. Pretty good. Home Alone 3 dropped Macaulay and...well....you didn't see it did you? Exactly.
Terminator 2 was historic. It was so good, nobody really even talks about Terminator 1. Just Terminator 2. I don't think I've seen either, actually.
Men in Black 2. Uhh....should have just left it alone with #1.
And then you have the Disney sequels. The blockbusting Disney motion pictures that come out in the theater have been known to come out with subsequent and very terrible sequels that you can only purchase in grocery stores. The animation is sloppy, I'm not sure there is any Disney-esque singing involved, and don't count on recognizing any of the voice-over actors. Ever heard of Lion King 2: The Return of Mufasa? You wouldn't have, unless you shop at Food Lion. What about "The Little Mermaid 3: Unda Da Sea Again!!" And what about "The Land Before Time 8"? Uh....yeah.
Some movies rightfully don't make for good sequels. For example, the movie "The One."
Oh, the madness.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Rules of Engagement
With one week left till May Madness, I thought that I would lay down a few ground rules, clear the playing field, and wash the proverbial dishes before we embark on this month of madness together.
Rule #1: I will write a blog post every day for the month of May. You can see how it already is getting a bit mad.
Rule #2: I will write said blog posts every morning in particular. This means I will wake up, go straight to the computer and type whatever it is that comes to my mind in the waking hours of the morning. The madness is almost getting out of hand now.
Rule #3: There is no rule #3. There is so much madness involved with this publicity stunt that I don't know what to do with myself.
There you have it. One week away....and then.....madness.
Like the Mad Hatter. Or a Mad Scientist. Or a Mad Ostrich.
Rule #1: I will write a blog post every day for the month of May. You can see how it already is getting a bit mad.
Rule #2: I will write said blog posts every morning in particular. This means I will wake up, go straight to the computer and type whatever it is that comes to my mind in the waking hours of the morning. The madness is almost getting out of hand now.
Rule #3: There is no rule #3. There is so much madness involved with this publicity stunt that I don't know what to do with myself.
There you have it. One week away....and then.....madness.
Like the Mad Hatter. Or a Mad Scientist. Or a Mad Ostrich.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
2.5 Weeks and Counting
Two words: May Madness.
It's coming.
It's coming much like Y2K came and went, with all of its anticipatory pomp, all of its promised apocalyptic chaos, all of its immanent destruction only to let the world down after having compiled storehouses of vienna sausages, bottled water, and ammunition. Just like Y2K...
It's coming.
It's coming much like Star Wars 1: The Phantom Menace, with its hordes of fans waiting on and camping out upon concrete sidewalks wrapped around movie theaters, dressed up like Darth Vader and wielding light sabers, exchanging a sleepless night for a promised ticket into the opening prequel of a pre-trilogy (which featured our culture's most hated character ever - Jar Jar). Just like Star Wars 1...
It's coming.
It's coming much like the downfall of Macaulay Culkin, with his instant, worldwide stardom as an 8-year-old in Home Alone, his follow-up flops and bad career decisions, his late night alcohol and drug binges as an 11-year-old, and the fact that he is named Macaulay (who names their kid "Macaulay"?). Just like the downfall of Macaulay Culkin...
It's coming. In 2.5 weeks the Madness of May begins. One a day for all of May.
(And whatever happened to Jonathan Taylor Thomas???)
It's coming.
It's coming much like Y2K came and went, with all of its anticipatory pomp, all of its promised apocalyptic chaos, all of its immanent destruction only to let the world down after having compiled storehouses of vienna sausages, bottled water, and ammunition. Just like Y2K...
It's coming.
It's coming much like Star Wars 1: The Phantom Menace, with its hordes of fans waiting on and camping out upon concrete sidewalks wrapped around movie theaters, dressed up like Darth Vader and wielding light sabers, exchanging a sleepless night for a promised ticket into the opening prequel of a pre-trilogy (which featured our culture's most hated character ever - Jar Jar). Just like Star Wars 1...
It's coming.
It's coming much like the downfall of Macaulay Culkin, with his instant, worldwide stardom as an 8-year-old in Home Alone, his follow-up flops and bad career decisions, his late night alcohol and drug binges as an 11-year-old, and the fact that he is named Macaulay (who names their kid "Macaulay"?). Just like the downfall of Macaulay Culkin...
It's coming. In 2.5 weeks the Madness of May begins. One a day for all of May.
(And whatever happened to Jonathan Taylor Thomas???)
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Thought for Food
Sea Monkeys. Think about that for a little bit. See if that doesn't blow your mind after a while. It's like trying to think of one hand clapping. Or eternity. Or the borders of the universe. Or Crystal Pepsi. Or Sprite Remix. Or The Tony Danza Show.
Sea Monkeys. I looked up a few videos on YouTube yesterday about these interesting little things. They are real, aquatic animals that you can purchase. However, you don't bring them home from a petstore in a plastic bag filled with water. You buy a pouch of powder. Like Crystal Light (not Crystal Pepsi) packages that you dump into a pitcher of water. Sea Monkey powder. And before you know it - the powder mixes with the water and turns into living, breathing, moving underwater monkeys. I'm not sure if I had any of these Sea Monkeys growing up. But now I really want some.
Why Sea Monkeys? Who chose that name?
Did you know that Manatees are sometimes referred to as Sea Cows? What would happen if Sea Monkeys and Sea Cows were swimming in the same Sea? See? Do Sea Monkeys eat Sea Weed? Or do they smoke Sea Weed?
You also have Sea Lions. I'm pretty sure Sea Lions create Sea Seeds. And listen to Seal. And eat Sea Seals.
What about Sea Badgers? Do they exist? Do Sea Badgers make seeds? Sea Seeds? Do Sea Badgers smoke Sea Weed?
I'm pretty sure Tony Danza smokes Sea Weed.
Sea Monkeys. I looked up a few videos on YouTube yesterday about these interesting little things. They are real, aquatic animals that you can purchase. However, you don't bring them home from a petstore in a plastic bag filled with water. You buy a pouch of powder. Like Crystal Light (not Crystal Pepsi) packages that you dump into a pitcher of water. Sea Monkey powder. And before you know it - the powder mixes with the water and turns into living, breathing, moving underwater monkeys. I'm not sure if I had any of these Sea Monkeys growing up. But now I really want some.
Why Sea Monkeys? Who chose that name?
Did you know that Manatees are sometimes referred to as Sea Cows? What would happen if Sea Monkeys and Sea Cows were swimming in the same Sea? See? Do Sea Monkeys eat Sea Weed? Or do they smoke Sea Weed?
You also have Sea Lions. I'm pretty sure Sea Lions create Sea Seeds. And listen to Seal. And eat Sea Seals.
What about Sea Badgers? Do they exist? Do Sea Badgers make seeds? Sea Seeds? Do Sea Badgers smoke Sea Weed?
I'm pretty sure Tony Danza smokes Sea Weed.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
20/20 in 2020
I was thinking about the television show 20/20 the other day. You all know this show. ABC field investigative journalism. Excellent television. Right up there with 60 Minutes. And Murder She Wrote.
Anyhoo...I was thinking about how this show is going to have a field day in the year 2020. They essentially have their advertising taken care of for the entire year. Some potential slogans:
"Watch 20/20 throughout 2020"
or
"It's 2020...watch 20/20"
or
"20/20 in 2020"
or
"Give us money"
20/20 is going to be an amazing year. I plan on watching 2020 throughout the entire year just to see what they do with the uncanny and albeit unbelievable irony. I just hope there are still things called "televisions" in 2020. And I hope David Schwimmer is still acting in 2020. And I hope Ted Danza is still alive.
Anyhoo...I was thinking about how this show is going to have a field day in the year 2020. They essentially have their advertising taken care of for the entire year. Some potential slogans:
"Watch 20/20 throughout 2020"
or
"It's 2020...watch 20/20"
or
"20/20 in 2020"
or
"Give us money"
20/20 is going to be an amazing year. I plan on watching 2020 throughout the entire year just to see what they do with the uncanny and albeit unbelievable irony. I just hope there are still things called "televisions" in 2020. And I hope David Schwimmer is still acting in 2020. And I hope Ted Danza is still alive.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Why MTV Should Quit Now
Remember when MTV actually played music videos?!? It was this really novel thing. Music Television. Now they really have no affiliation with music anymore. It's not Music Television anymore; it's Crap Television. CTV. That should be the new name. CTV (not to be confused with Cornelius Van Til).
I don't normally watch MTV (hereafter CTV) due to the fact that we actually get .5 channels in this house (we only pick up ABC...and that is, if one of us is standing by the TV, holding the antennae, and leaning to the side at a 90 degree angle). But when we are on vacation and we have a TV with 999 channels, for some reason I gravitate toward CTV. I suppose I am curious what is happening in the world of music, culture, and the arts. I suppose I want to reconnect with the channel that first exposed me to Aerosmith and Eminem. I suppose I want to actually see a music video. But when I get there - I don't find music. No music videos. No TRL. No "Yo! MTV Raps." Only a group of random 20-somethings thrown together in a house being followed around by cameras. And everyone is making out.
Here is something that needs explaining to me. Why are the characters from the Real World battling it out on the sand with the characters from Road Rules? What is going on here? It's like having the cast from Diff'rent Strokes (sorry, Kathryn, you wouldn't know anything about that) in a cage match with the cast from Webster. Or maybe the cast from Step by Step in a bar fight with the cast from Full House. Frankly, I'm a bit confused. This group of random 20-somethings who have lived together in a plush New York penthouse for the previous 6 months are now all wearing red uniforms and running through an obstacle course of enormous rubber tires on a beach. Why am I watching this? And remind me what any of this has to do with music. At least back in the day on CTV they had....you know....MUSICIANS doing stupid obstacle courses and playing basketball and rapping on stage during Spring Break. Now it's just this random cast of nobodies. I might as well be looking through the blinds at my neighbor's house.
And I miss Coolio. Where did he go? Gangsta's Paradise? Come back, Coolio.
I don't normally watch MTV (hereafter CTV) due to the fact that we actually get .5 channels in this house (we only pick up ABC...and that is, if one of us is standing by the TV, holding the antennae, and leaning to the side at a 90 degree angle). But when we are on vacation and we have a TV with 999 channels, for some reason I gravitate toward CTV. I suppose I am curious what is happening in the world of music, culture, and the arts. I suppose I want to reconnect with the channel that first exposed me to Aerosmith and Eminem. I suppose I want to actually see a music video. But when I get there - I don't find music. No music videos. No TRL. No "Yo! MTV Raps." Only a group of random 20-somethings thrown together in a house being followed around by cameras. And everyone is making out.
Here is something that needs explaining to me. Why are the characters from the Real World battling it out on the sand with the characters from Road Rules? What is going on here? It's like having the cast from Diff'rent Strokes (sorry, Kathryn, you wouldn't know anything about that) in a cage match with the cast from Webster. Or maybe the cast from Step by Step in a bar fight with the cast from Full House. Frankly, I'm a bit confused. This group of random 20-somethings who have lived together in a plush New York penthouse for the previous 6 months are now all wearing red uniforms and running through an obstacle course of enormous rubber tires on a beach. Why am I watching this? And remind me what any of this has to do with music. At least back in the day on CTV they had....you know....MUSICIANS doing stupid obstacle courses and playing basketball and rapping on stage during Spring Break. Now it's just this random cast of nobodies. I might as well be looking through the blinds at my neighbor's house.
And I miss Coolio. Where did he go? Gangsta's Paradise? Come back, Coolio.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Shoop: Musings on Salt N' Pepa
We've been singing a lot of Salt N' Pepa around the house lately. Shoop. Whatta Man. Push it. Classic hits that influenced a generation. These songs changed the way we thought about the world, about ourselves, and about others. These are timeless songs, to be forever stored in the archives of music revolutionaries. They were the ones who wanted to first "talk about sex, baby," and boy did they. I think every song they wrote had this basic erotic theme running through it. Just think about it. Is there one song they aren't famous for that has something to do with...well....you know?
As I think back on Shoop and Whatta Man, I get a bit confused. Aren't these two really just the same song? They were on the same album. They became popular at the same time. They both have catchy choruses. They both are the same tempo and they sound nearly identical They both are about...well...you know. They are pretty much the same song. One song split into two. They go together in my mind. Just like you can't hear Queen's "We Will Rock You" without it being followed up by "We Are the Champions," so it is with "Shoop" and "Whatta Man" in my mind. I challenge you to find the difference to these songs.
Their most memorable line: "You so crazy, I think I wanna have your baby."
Now this is a fascinating lyric. Pepa (in 'Whatta Man') comes across a man (a mighty, mighty good man) who is humorous. She says that she has finally found someone who can make her laugh. That's exciting. Funny people are hard to find. She found one. And what is her reaction to this exciting discovery? ...I want him to impregnate me. That's just odd. Most girls I know who come across funny guys don't first think to themselves, "I think I want to be pregnant." But of course, that's why Salt N' Pepa gets the big bucks. They think of stuff like that.
Second most memorable line: "Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie."
Here, Salt (in the song 'Shoop') asks this particular gentleman for some fries in addition to his "shake-shake boobie." I must be honest, I am at a loss as to what a "shake-shake boobie" actually is. But it is clear. She wants it. And she wants a side of fries, apparently.
As I think back on Shoop and Whatta Man, I get a bit confused. Aren't these two really just the same song? They were on the same album. They became popular at the same time. They both have catchy choruses. They both are the same tempo and they sound nearly identical They both are about...well...you know. They are pretty much the same song. One song split into two. They go together in my mind. Just like you can't hear Queen's "We Will Rock You" without it being followed up by "We Are the Champions," so it is with "Shoop" and "Whatta Man" in my mind. I challenge you to find the difference to these songs.
Their most memorable line: "You so crazy, I think I wanna have your baby."
Now this is a fascinating lyric. Pepa (in 'Whatta Man') comes across a man (a mighty, mighty good man) who is humorous. She says that she has finally found someone who can make her laugh. That's exciting. Funny people are hard to find. She found one. And what is her reaction to this exciting discovery? ...I want him to impregnate me. That's just odd. Most girls I know who come across funny guys don't first think to themselves, "I think I want to be pregnant." But of course, that's why Salt N' Pepa gets the big bucks. They think of stuff like that.
Second most memorable line: "Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie."
Here, Salt (in the song 'Shoop') asks this particular gentleman for some fries in addition to his "shake-shake boobie." I must be honest, I am at a loss as to what a "shake-shake boobie" actually is. But it is clear. She wants it. And she wants a side of fries, apparently.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Whatchu Talkin' Bout Kathryn?
The following is an actual dialogue that Kathryn and I had one night this week...
Matt: Do you remember that Diff'rent Strokes episode that Adrian mentioned tonight?
Kathryn: I can't remember any Diff'rent Strokes episodes. All I remember was Tootie.
Matt: Tootie was in the Facts of Life. You don't remember Diff'rent Strokes?
Kathryn: I guess not.
Matt: Wait, you're telling me you've never seen an episode of Diff'rent Strokes?
Kathryn: Nope.
Matt: Do you know what "Whatchu talkin' bout Willis?" is?
Kathryn: No.
Matt: Wait! You've never heard the expression "Whatchu talkin' bout Willis???"
Kathryn: Never heard of it.
Matt: Holy crap, I'm writing a blog about this.
Matt: Do you remember that Diff'rent Strokes episode that Adrian mentioned tonight?
Kathryn: I can't remember any Diff'rent Strokes episodes. All I remember was Tootie.
Matt: Tootie was in the Facts of Life. You don't remember Diff'rent Strokes?
Kathryn: I guess not.
Matt: Wait, you're telling me you've never seen an episode of Diff'rent Strokes?
Kathryn: Nope.
Matt: Do you know what "Whatchu talkin' bout Willis?" is?
Kathryn: No.
Matt: Wait! You've never heard the expression "Whatchu talkin' bout Willis???"
Kathryn: Never heard of it.
Matt: Holy crap, I'm writing a blog about this.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
The Philosophy of Toothpaste
Every now and then I get to thinking about toothpaste. It's just something I do. It's a hobby. And a habit. It's a hobby-habit. But not a hobbit.
Why is the predominant scent (the predomi-scent) of toothpaste - mint? Why does "mint" have a monopoly on the scent? Just look down the toothpaste aisle. You'll see: Whitening Mint. Fresh Mint. Avalanche Mint. Cool Blue Mint. Chunnel Mint. The craziest they get is - Peppermint. But of course, peppermint is a close cousin to regular mint. I realize mint is a much better aroma than say - hummus - but there are other pleasant smells out there as well.
Consider this - Lemon. When you spray down your kitchen counters with lemoney Lysol, it smells refreshingly pleasant. So, why in the world isn't there a lemon-scented toothpaste? Or what about orange? We recently purchased an orange-scented counter-top spray cleaner and trust me - this smells good. Orange is the new lemon. Good smells. But not good enough for our breath?
Mint seems to have the monopoly on the toothpaste scent. Mint scent. But again, I ask you - why? Ever washed your hands at someone's house who has that good vanilla/cinnamon/lavender soap stuff with the little bits in them? Oh...that smells good. What is wrong with lavender smelling toothpaste? Is it not minty enough for Crest? Would someone with lavender breath be welcomed or shunned? I'm not sure. But the possibilities are endless and yet the toothpaste people feel pretty content with mint. They are mint content. Content with the mint scent.
Clint?
Why is the predominant scent (the predomi-scent) of toothpaste - mint? Why does "mint" have a monopoly on the scent? Just look down the toothpaste aisle. You'll see: Whitening Mint. Fresh Mint. Avalanche Mint. Cool Blue Mint. Chunnel Mint. The craziest they get is - Peppermint. But of course, peppermint is a close cousin to regular mint. I realize mint is a much better aroma than say - hummus - but there are other pleasant smells out there as well.
Consider this - Lemon. When you spray down your kitchen counters with lemoney Lysol, it smells refreshingly pleasant. So, why in the world isn't there a lemon-scented toothpaste? Or what about orange? We recently purchased an orange-scented counter-top spray cleaner and trust me - this smells good. Orange is the new lemon. Good smells. But not good enough for our breath?
Mint seems to have the monopoly on the toothpaste scent. Mint scent. But again, I ask you - why? Ever washed your hands at someone's house who has that good vanilla/cinnamon/lavender soap stuff with the little bits in them? Oh...that smells good. What is wrong with lavender smelling toothpaste? Is it not minty enough for Crest? Would someone with lavender breath be welcomed or shunned? I'm not sure. But the possibilities are endless and yet the toothpaste people feel pretty content with mint. They are mint content. Content with the mint scent.
Clint?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
The Writers Strike is Over....
After a good 2 month blog-free vacation, I feel rested, refreshed, and ready to begin collecting my observations and ideas about the world around me. With the real writers strike being officially over now, I feel compelled to begin writing myself. If they can quit striking, so can I. Quit the strike. Strike the strike. Sprite.
Thesis: My dad got me a flashlight for Christmas. Not just any flashlight, mind you. This is a flashlight that does not use batteries. This flashlight is powered by a simple crank that is...well....cranked - somehow powering this interesting little device and enabling it to emit light. Is that all it does? No. It also has a radio in it. That way when the power is out, one can still stay updated with weather reports (all the while cranking it, of course). You may think....surely this is all that this device does? You'd be wrong. It also charges your cell phone. So when the power is out and the house is dark and the feeling of uncertainty is the highest - you can illuminate a room, stay in touch with news updates, and call loved ones to inform them of your safety. It is the perfect apocalyptic, Y2K gizmo.
But to me, the most interesting part about this contraption isn't what all it does....it is the name of this product. It's actual, official name is "The Forever Flashlight EZ Crank Radio Cell Charger." In case you haven't put it together, the name is basically just a list of everything that it is capable of doing. Reading the instructions is actually quite humorous. "When an emergency arises, simply turn the crank on the Forever Flashlight EZ Crank Radio Cell Charger to power it." Another excerpt: "No batteries are needed for the Forever Flashlight EZ Crank Radio Cell Charger." How about a product with a little bit longer name?
I wonder what life would be like if we simply named things by an exhaustive list of what it accomplished. Take a car for example. How about changing its name from "car" to "The EZ Move-Along While Sitting and Listening and Being Air-Conditioned Transporter." Or how about changing the name of "phone" to "The EZ Button-Pushing Communication Device That Goes In and Out of Coverage in Charlotte." What about "book" - "The EZ Multi-paged Flipping Paper Weight with Information In It."
Conclusion: It's good to be back, although I will be honest...I feel a bit rusty. And crusty. And dusty. Trust me. Justly. Busty? Sushi.
Thesis: My dad got me a flashlight for Christmas. Not just any flashlight, mind you. This is a flashlight that does not use batteries. This flashlight is powered by a simple crank that is...well....cranked - somehow powering this interesting little device and enabling it to emit light. Is that all it does? No. It also has a radio in it. That way when the power is out, one can still stay updated with weather reports (all the while cranking it, of course). You may think....surely this is all that this device does? You'd be wrong. It also charges your cell phone. So when the power is out and the house is dark and the feeling of uncertainty is the highest - you can illuminate a room, stay in touch with news updates, and call loved ones to inform them of your safety. It is the perfect apocalyptic, Y2K gizmo.
But to me, the most interesting part about this contraption isn't what all it does....it is the name of this product. It's actual, official name is "The Forever Flashlight EZ Crank Radio Cell Charger." In case you haven't put it together, the name is basically just a list of everything that it is capable of doing. Reading the instructions is actually quite humorous. "When an emergency arises, simply turn the crank on the Forever Flashlight EZ Crank Radio Cell Charger to power it." Another excerpt: "No batteries are needed for the Forever Flashlight EZ Crank Radio Cell Charger." How about a product with a little bit longer name?
I wonder what life would be like if we simply named things by an exhaustive list of what it accomplished. Take a car for example. How about changing its name from "car" to "The EZ Move-Along While Sitting and Listening and Being Air-Conditioned Transporter." Or how about changing the name of "phone" to "The EZ Button-Pushing Communication Device That Goes In and Out of Coverage in Charlotte." What about "book" - "The EZ Multi-paged Flipping Paper Weight with Information In It."
Conclusion: It's good to be back, although I will be honest...I feel a bit rusty. And crusty. And dusty. Trust me. Justly. Busty? Sushi.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Fat Bottomed Christmas
Every now and then (and again), I get somewhat obsessed with a particular song and listen to it as many times as I have access to it. For example, this past Spring was the inauguration of my "Shins" phase, where I mostly listened to their song "Australia" over and over and yet over once more again. At one point in my life, the song on repeat was the New Kids' "Step by Step." (Step One, we can have lots of fun) I can't say that I am proud of that one (or two...or step three). But as it is, for this Christmas season, the song that has selected me (I would have never selected this on my own) is Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls," their 1978 release dedicated to...well....girls with fat bottoms (this is the fifth parenthetical aside in this paragraph).
Apparently Fat Bottomed Girls are worthy of serenading because they "make the rockin' world go round." I suppose this was the case back in 1978. I'm not sure when large-bottomed women stopped making the rockin' world go round but I know that they certainly don't make it spin anymore. I'm not all that sure what is currently making the rockin' world go round, but I'm fairly certain it is no longer girls with fat bottoms. It's probably heroin or something like that. I do know that fat bottomed girls were at least making the rappin' world go round in 1992 when Sir Mix-a-lot announced to the world that he liked "big butts." Maybe the fat bottomed girls made a genre switch from the rockin' world to the rap world. And I would venture to say that they may be in fact still makin' that world go round.
The B-side to Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls" was a song called "Bicycle Race" where Freddy Mercury sung over and over that "all he wants to do is ride his bicycle." And he wants to ride his bike "where he likes." This is all he wants to do. He gives it to you straight. His bare and honest confession is that all he wants out of life is simply to be able to ride his bicycle wherever he would like to ride it. No restrictions. No parks with closing times. No bike trails roped off. All he wants to do is ride his bike. Wherever he would like. A simple life pursuit. A catchy song. And a really sad song if you think about it.
So for this Christmas as we gather around the ornamented tree with egg nog filling our glass and yuletide cheer filling our heart, we'll be singing "Fat Bottomed Girls" and "Bicycle Race" alongside of the traditional holiday hymns like "O Holy Night" and "O Come All Ye Faithful." Fat Bottomed Girls are makin' the holidays go round for me this year.
Merry Fat Bottomed Christmas.
Apparently Fat Bottomed Girls are worthy of serenading because they "make the rockin' world go round." I suppose this was the case back in 1978. I'm not sure when large-bottomed women stopped making the rockin' world go round but I know that they certainly don't make it spin anymore. I'm not all that sure what is currently making the rockin' world go round, but I'm fairly certain it is no longer girls with fat bottoms. It's probably heroin or something like that. I do know that fat bottomed girls were at least making the rappin' world go round in 1992 when Sir Mix-a-lot announced to the world that he liked "big butts." Maybe the fat bottomed girls made a genre switch from the rockin' world to the rap world. And I would venture to say that they may be in fact still makin' that world go round.
The B-side to Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls" was a song called "Bicycle Race" where Freddy Mercury sung over and over that "all he wants to do is ride his bicycle." And he wants to ride his bike "where he likes." This is all he wants to do. He gives it to you straight. His bare and honest confession is that all he wants out of life is simply to be able to ride his bicycle wherever he would like to ride it. No restrictions. No parks with closing times. No bike trails roped off. All he wants to do is ride his bike. Wherever he would like. A simple life pursuit. A catchy song. And a really sad song if you think about it.
So for this Christmas as we gather around the ornamented tree with egg nog filling our glass and yuletide cheer filling our heart, we'll be singing "Fat Bottomed Girls" and "Bicycle Race" alongside of the traditional holiday hymns like "O Holy Night" and "O Come All Ye Faithful." Fat Bottomed Girls are makin' the holidays go round for me this year.
Merry Fat Bottomed Christmas.
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