Pride and Pies

The fact that Eating Contests exist is the ultimate proof that humans are saturated to their core with sinful pride. We compete at everything. There is not one area of life that is not transformed into some sort of competition to provide a platform for people to step on each other while all simultaneously groping for a trophy or some form of recognition that they are in fact "the greatest." This seems to be the driving questions behind the disciples who hung around with Jesus. (Mark 9:34). I wonder if they ever had eating contests.

When I was younger and would hang out with my friends there were no doubt days that were fraught with mind-numbing boredom. "What do you want to do?" was the only question that always got answered by the other person repeating the same question. And so we would be laying there on our backs watching the ceiling fan and one of us would get the idea to raise our legs up and try to connect our exposed toes to the spinning fan blades above. The other one would see this happening and try to accomplish it as well, only with more expertise, which meant reaching up higher, or balancing on only one hand or something. And suddenly both people are entertained for they are now in the midst of a competition, albeit over something ridiculous, but nevertheless they were competing. And this still happens all the time. Our driving competitive nature just gets more subtle and sophisticated as we grow up.

Adults try to 'one up' each other by telling a more impressive story about their children or droping a better joke or funnier anecdote. Guys in college try to out-do each other at the sushi bar by seeing who can load up the most wasabi on their dinner. Girls compete with each other for attention - both from each other and from men. Students eagerly compare test scores. Drivers fight for the "best" lane. Businesses compete for patrons.

And in light of the ongoing Olympics, it is obvious that we still have that distant disease of the disciples - the fighting for who is indeed "the greatest." And all of the ways we do this are...well...sometimes simply embarrassing. My point: Eating Contests. I think we have hit rock bottom with this one. Have we simply run out of things to compete in? We've taken care of running, swimming, jumping, throwing, walking, skating, and skiing. It was only a matter of time before someone said, "Hey, I bet you I can eat more than you." And it will only be a matter of time before this contest makes its way into the Olympics as an official event.

Just picture it. By the way, I can eat more than you.

Metaphysics and Sushi

I'm not sure how one would actually define sushi, but I'm sure the word "fresh" would have to be included somewhere in it. For what makes sushi sushi - at the least, it is a fresh piece of edible raw fish. See this got me thinking. What if you went to a sushi place and didn't finish it all (maybe you filled up on doritos earlier or something) and so you stuffed up a doggie bag with leftovers? You go home and put them in the fridge. But the next day you couldn't get around to eating it because you had plans with Johnny Handshake or something.

So there it sits in your fridge for a day or two. When does it cease to be sushi? When does it simply become rotting slabs of raw fish? How long does sushi "keep?"

See at conception, sushi is edible and fresh, stripped straight from the fish. If that isn't eaten somewhat quickly, it becomes...well...not sushi anymore. It is then simply disgusting. But when does this change take place? How long will sushi keep? How long will sushi remain sushi?

Shush.

Cell Phones or Hell Phones?

Cell phones have gotten worse. I hate them now. I really do. And I'm pretty sure you do too.

Is it just me, or are more calls being dropped? I certainly am asking, "Hey? You there?" a lot more. I certainly have found myself talking on and on about something, notice that I have not received any affirming 'uh huhs', and then discover that the call had been dropped five minutes ago and I had been talking to myself.

What is the deal? Have they made too many cell phones and the towers are overloading? Is the service just REALLY bad where I am? Is it my phone? Should I get a new one?

Help me out here people. Let me know I am not alone. If your cell phone sucks and you want answers raise your fist with me. I demand justice. I want my money back. I want my life back. I will not talk to myself with a plastic box up against my face any longer.

I hate cell phones. Bitter, boiling, acrid, hatred.

Hygiene, Bathrooms, and Deception

Sometimes when I use a public restroom I don't wash my hands after I'm finished. But I put on an elaborate production to make those around me THINK I am washing my hands. I run the water. Sometimes I put my hands under the stream, sometimes I don't (it depends if the others in the restroom can see me or if they are just listening). I tap the soap dispenser to make the noise like I was in fact actually pumping soap out of it. So with the water running, I stand there and wait for about how long it would take for me to actually wash my hands. Then I turn off the water, tear off a few pieces of paper towel, rub them all over my dry hands and toss the dry towels into the trash. Then I leave the bathroom confident that whoever happened to share that room with me knew that I took the time to wash my hands. They believe I'm not one of "those" people, you know, the kind that just do their business and then disgustingly walk out.

I am not joking. I actually do this. I just did in fact (that was what gave me this idea).

Here's my question: Am I alone in this sickness? Is there anyone else out there as disgusting as me and willing to admit it or am I, as I suspect, the only one who would go to such lengths to avoid having to actually wash my hands? Now is the time. You can come forward and admit it. There is no shame. Consider this an altar call. Just imagine the song "Just As I Am" playing over and over in the background.

Nightmares and Daymares

I awoke this morning with a vivid memory of a terrible nightmare I had. It was my own rehearsal dinner night. It was a grand party with tons of folks there enjoying themselves. And at the end of the dinner I finally put two and two together and say, "Wait! We didn't do any toasts or anything! Where are my groomsmen?" I brought this up to my mother who, by her reaction demonstrated that she had also failed to notice their absence. The night ended on a sour note once we realized that none of my groomsmen showed up. Well, except Russ.

In my dream I called up Blake and Clint and got no answer. Then I called Doug. He picked up. But he probably regretted that decision after the romping I gave him. The next scene of the dream was a bedroom with a bunk bed and Clint was sitting up on the top bunk and I was down below. Doug was somewhere in the room and I was continuing my said romp. I remember part of my argument was "you don't agree to be a groomsmen and not show up for the rehearsal dinner. it is part of the package. when you agree to be a groomsmen, you are making a promise to be there, not just for the wedding, but for everything involved in the weekend." This was my thought. And I let Doug know what I thought filled with aggression and hostility.

And of course, Clint has to enter the argument. In a soft, yet firm, counter action, Clint responds, "Well, I'm not so sure an agreement to be a "groomsmen" necessarily means an agreement to show up at the rehearsal dinner. That to me simply means that they agreed to stand up there and be a groosmen."

Typical Clint.

I don't remember anything else about the dream/mare other than I was very upset and Doug was very ashamed. But surprisingly enough, it did raise an interesting question - When one agrees to be a groomsmen in someone's wedding, does that obligate them to all of the activities of that given weekend? Or they confined simply to the actual wedding ceremony?

Your thoughts/opinions are welcome.

Gratuitous Gratitude

I will not names here but a "friend of mine" recently received a gift from a "friend of theirs." I'm not sure what the gift was or the occasion behind the giving of this certain gift, but whatever it was it warranted the response of a thank-you note. You are well aware of the thank-you note, the burden of writing them, and the irrelevance of receiving them. But that is beside the point. My "friend" wrote this thank-you note and sent it. Everything is normal so far.

Then my "friend" received an email from their "friend" thanking them for the thank-you note. This sounds like a joke, but it is very true. My "friend" received a thank-you note for sending a thank-you note for them sending a gift. When will it stop? Should my "friend" write a thank-you note back? When will the gratitude exchange come to an end? It has to, lest it spin out into an endless, relentless exchange of thanking them for thanking you.

I'm not a fan of the thank-you note. Any time I receive something now the question pops in the back of my head, "I wonder if I have to write a thank-you note for this." Can you receive any gift without it being connected to an obligation to write a thank-you note in return? Is there anything that bypasses the obligation? (Pez dispensers, the passing of a pencil, roommates buying toilet paper??) I don't even like receiving things anymore. I associate it now with the difficulty of trying to think of something nice to write, the difficulty of trying to think of enough things to write so I actually fill up the entire card, and the difficulty of keeping up with the given postage of the day.

Ever had someone get upset with you because they did not receive a thank-you note? Or one that arrived "on time?" That all is so silly to me. To give something with ANY expectation is to defeat the purpose of GIVING it, right? It is not a business transaction (I give you gift, you give me recognition that I gave you the gift), it is a GIFT, that is, a free, gracious, giving of something with no obligations, expectations, or strings attached. The moment you demand something after the giving of a gift, it no longer is a gift. It then becomes a business deal (see my thoughts on "tipping").

I think it is a good thing that we thank each other for things and that we remain thankful for all of our gifts and blessings and graces; however, the moment it becomes obligated and expected, it taints it and removes the sincerity of the gratitude.

Thank you for reading.