When Things Heat Up: A Conversation

Oliver: How's the eel?

Gene: Ah, it's ok. A bit eel-y if you ask me.

Oliver: I did ask you.

Gene: Well there you go. Eel-y.

Oliver: You should try putting some wasabi on it.

Gene: Wasabi? Naw, I don't mess with that stuff. Too strong. I prefer Tabasco.

Oliver: How is Wasabi stronger than Tabasco?

Gene: Wasabi cleans out your sinuses. It's like receiving a kick to the face. Smack! Plomp!!

Oliver: Plomp? Come on, that's not a kick-to-the-face noise.

Gene: Is it not?

Oliver: No. And furthermore, wasabi may be a kick to the sinus-

Gene: Face.

Oliver: What did I say, "sinus"?

Gene: Yeah.

Oliver: Sorry. Ok....so wasabi may be a kick to the face, but seriously, it totally goes away in like 3 seconds. Tabasco builds on itself, never really leaving your tongue. It just gets perpetually hotter and hotter and hotter and -

Gene: True, but I prefer the slow gradual heat as opposed to the kick-in-the-face (or sinus) heat. Plomp!! I don't know, that's just how I roll.

Oliver: Sushi roll.

Gene: Exactly.

Kernels and Colonels

I remember in the olden days where it was customary to bring a teacher an apple. Perhaps the shiny, robust, Red Delicious would grant you a little extra something something when your teacher was grading your quizzes. You counted on that apple to give you something back. It was an unspoken rule: I give you the apple; you give me the A.

But upon reflection, I realized that an apple is not that great of a bribe. I mean, think about it - an apple? First of all, who would want a free piece of fruit? Is fruit really that hard to find? Is it really that expensive? No, fruit is everywhere. It is growing on the trees that you walk by on your way home from school. There are literally stacks of boxes of mountains of fruit in the grocery store (I do realize that I am in America, mind you).

And why, might I add, was it only an apple? How did this particular piece of fruit get selected as the understood gift for teachers? If I were a teacher, I'd be fairly upset with this system. You get stuck with a whole bunch of apples you didn't need nor want. Why not twinkies? Or cupcakes? Or even if were to stay within the realm of fruit, at least some variety every now and then. Throw an orange up in the mix. Or a kiwi. Heck, I'll even hit up a pomegranate.

If I were a teacher, I would announce on the first day of class, "No apples allowed. If you want to bribe me, actually bribe me. I like Starbucks gift cards and DVDs. I'll also take twinkies and pomegranates."

I also remember having to bring your own box of Kleenex at the beginning of the school year. This was the teachers' way of paying us back for all those unwanted apples. You're gonna give me 800 apples this year? That's fine. But now you have to go out and buy me a box of Kleenex to make up for the lack of twinkies.

Colon: A Conversation

Oliver: Oliver colon so the doctor didn't dilate my eyes yesterday.

Gene: Did you just say "Oliver colon" before you spoke?

Oliver: Oliver colon yeah. What's the big deal?

Gene: Why are you doing that?

Oliver: Oliver colon I'm just talking like a movie script would read. You know, on the left side of the page, it reads "Oliver colon" and then carries on what Oliver would be saying.

Gene: That's really stupid. Stop doing that.

Oliver: Oliver colon stop doing what?

Gene: Why a movie script? Why not talk like how a comic book reads?

Oliver: Oliver colon how would that sound? Would it be like, "Bubble: Hi, I'm Oliver"?

Gene: Yeah, I don't know. I'm guessing "bubble" may be as good as you get on that one.

Rose: I can skate in a figure 8.

Gene: Woah! Where did you come from, Rose? You literally just popped out of nowhere.

Oliver: Oliver colon and apparently you can skate in a figure 8. Is that ice skating...or just chewing the fat....or what?.....Rose?......you there?

Gene: I guess she's gone. Have you ever eaten bubble fat, you know the fat that grows on bubbles?

Oliver: Oliver colon "Bubble" I'll be honest, I don't think this is really going anywhere.

Gene: Exactly.

Semi-colon Soup and Ampersandwiches

I found myself bouncing (and bounding) across various YouTube videos yesterweek and I happened to stumble upon a young woman's "vlog." Yes, her vlog. She regularly sits in front of her webcam and for anywhere from three to six minutes, she updates you on her life. Here's what I did today. This is what I think about Jonathan in class. I'm doing this and that this weekend. And as much as I didn't care one bit whatsoever, I watched. All three minutes and forty-eight seconds of it. And I have yet to discover why.

Vlogging. Who honestly would regularly watch these videos. Sure, one could make the argument that people watch them the same way I did - stumbling across them. And sure, one could go one to argue that I could have easily stopped it but didn't and that they must possess some inherent enjoyability. And sure, one could argue that I actually have bookmarked it and will check for updates regularly. But honestly, who else would watch these?

What does the internet world (hereafter webfam) care about what some seventeen year old is doing and thinking day after day after day? Does there happen to be a following for such vlogs out there in the webfam (hereafter compunity)? Or am I the only one watching these?

The following is my beef with vlogs. I have serious beef with this new (uncharted?) enterprise. However, to be fair, in addition to my beef, I will also add my cheese with vlogging - the things I find positive about it.

Beef #1 - While blogging is self-indulgent, self-focused, and self-involved, vlogging just cranks this dial up too far for me. "Not only do I demand that you avail yourself to my thinking, my agenda, and my perspective, you must look at me too now. If I didn't have your attention with my words, I will certainly now - now that you can see what posters I have on my dorm room wall behind me and speculate what school I go to."

Beef #2 - The word "vlog." It's hard to say. And it doesn't follow the same formula as "blog." Web Log takes the last letter of the first word "B" and combines it with the second word "Log." B + Log = Blog. If "Video Log" followed the same formula, it should be "Olog," not "Vlog." Furthermore, a "video log" is still on the web, isn't it? It's technically a "Video Web Log," thus it should really be "Oblog."

Beef #3 - No one cares.

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Cheese #1 - Vlogging does have the potential for sing-alongs and video shorts that regular blogging does not. Also one could do puppet shows (Gene and Oliver puppets?).

Cheese #2 - One can "blog" visually to a set soundtrack. In other words, vlogging can capture audio. I would do something with Emo music. You know, that cool genre which is a shorthand for "Emotional." It could capture the emotional ethos of my vlog. Emo is nice. But again, Emo was so two months ago.

Beef #4 - No one cares.

Discovery over Veggie Chili

It was over a cup of veggie chili that I made this ground breaking discovery:

Arby's. Roast Beef sandwiches. R.B.s (roast beef). "Arby's."

It makes sense.

What doesn't make sense is how someone can actually roast beef. I've heard of toast beef. But roast beef?!? Come on people.