Review: May Madness 2 (For You (Ewwww))

ONE A DAY FOR ALL OF MAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As is my consummational custom, I review the previous 30 days of Madness and invite my loyal audience to chime in on what was the highlights, the lowlights, and the lights in between. Now is your turn to get mad.

Le' Review:

1. Sequels and Home Alone
2. Pros and Cons of Pros and Cons
3. Banandy
4. Squirrels and Rain?
5. Cinco de Mayonnaise
6. Territorial Dog Urine
7. Saving Water While Showering
8. Oranges: Hard to Open
9. Blame it on Dwane
10. Double Double
11. The Name Game
12. Three Thoughts
13. Jinx! Buy Me a Salad Bar!
14. Close but no Cigar
15. Emotional Cons
16. Chewing: The Lost Art of Self-Entertainment
17. Ms
18. Size O' King
19. Alex Li and Square Pizza
20. Gummy Insects
21. Milk: Why Advertise?
22. Grinning and Chagrinning
23. Dishwashing Philosophy
24. Easy Hearing Music
25. More Questions
26. Octopi and Freak Nastiness
27. Categories
28. TV Likes Odd Living Arrangements
29. Cats: Yuck
30. ¡Mexicana/o Gender Roles!
31. This.

It's over. Now I can finally rest. (And ingest (And digest.)). 

Gender Roles and Mexican Food

One a day for all of Mayo

The other day I found myself in the Taco Bell drive-thru with Kathryn. You have to realize, this never happens. Kathryn wouldn't eat Taco Bell if I forced her to at gun point (or point blank (or good point)). But there we were. At the Taco Bell drive-thru.

We were with some friends of ours and after acquiring our food, Kathryn asked this question, "Hey, did you get a Gordito?" Did you catch that? Gordito? I informed her, "I'm sorry, Kathryn, but GorditAs are feminine. Not Gordito!" I laughed. I made fun of. And then I got thinking about how odd it sounds when you switch the gender of Mexican food.

No one orders a soft taca.
People don't sign up for burritas, or enchilados, or chalupos. Or nachas. Or flautos. Or chimichangos. Or Mexican Pizzos.

Or Cinnamon Twistos. Or Danzo.

Why Cats Suck

One. A. Day.

If you are a cat person, this post will offend you. Stop reading now if you like cats. This is your chance to retain your current mood. Because if you like cats and you continue reading, your mood will get worse.

Because I don't like cats.

1. They destroy my allergies. And I'm willing to bet that they destroy yours too.
2. They are unbearably lazy. They lay around all day. Which makes them worthless. Sort of like fish. They are like enormous fish...only covered in fur...and don't usually die in transport.
3. They don't offer "just-got-home-and-happy-to-see-you-affection." Dogs do. Cats could care less. They just look up at you from their "spot" as if to say..."Hey, can you get me a bottled water while you're up?"
4. They eat nasty food. What is that stuff in that tin can? Fermented puke? Chocolate foot fungus?
5. They don't do tricks. No impressing your friends with this animal. Not unless their trick is to play like they are arrogant and worthless.
6. They shed. See complaint #1 above.
7. They have sandpaper tongues. Enough said.
8. They don't "move" like a normal animal. Instead, they are skitzy, crazy, unpredictable, and frantic. I don't understand. They are either uncontrollably nuts or sedated. Stupid animal.
9. As hinted earlier, they are pampered and spoiled by nature. They simply expect. They feel that they are entitled. They have rights. Dogs are grace-driven. Dogs are grateful for toys and food and pats on the head and comfortable spots to sit and lay. Cats demand them/
10. They poop in cat litter. Which means their poop remains exposed, naked for all to see who happen to pass by the litter box. They also urinate in there too. Dogs at least have the decency to take that trash outside. I think cats don't like to go outside because it isn't air-conditioned.

And that, my friends, is why cats suck. I'm sure there are plenty more reasons but alas, I am done for now.

The Brady Bunch Legacy

One a day for all Of may....

The Brady Bunch started it all. Well, what is "it" you ask? Good question. (Good use of diction as well, I might add.) The Brady Bunch started the sit-com trend to exploring the comedic bass line behind peculiar living arrangements. Here you have a single woman with three daughters and a single man with three sons. Throw them all together under one roof, toss in a live-in maid, and you have comedy.

Does this sound like "Step by Step"? It should. It's the same show, only 25 years later (minus the live-in maid). Odd living arrangement. Comedy.

"Who's the Boss?" Now you have an entire show built around a live-in maid, only with this hilarious twist of irony, the maid is a man. And there is a sexually-active grandmother up in the mix. Odd living arrangement. Hilarity ensues.

"Golden Girls." Again, more sexually-active geriatrics who happen to be living together. [I still can't get my mind around how this became a show.]

"Alf." Here's a weird living arrangement for you: A normal, white, suburban family with a talking, sarcastic, pun-spittin' alien for a pet. Now that is funny!!

"Growing Pains." This wasn't a weird living arrangement, but it had a character named "Boner." I don't care where you are from, that's hilarious.

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." Take a well-to-do, cultured, upper-class African American family in Bel-Air, CA and throw a wacky, urban, "Fresh," teenager in the house. That's an odd living arrangement. And that's hilarious. I can hear the producers around the table brainstorming about this: "Oh! Maybe he can do something crazy and RAP!"

The semi-current and current mutations of the Brady Bunch legacy? "The Real World." "Friends." "Will and Grace." Odd living arrangements. Funny. Pure, comedic genius from the outset.

Ruining Categories

Day. May. One.

Yesterday Kathryn and I went to the pool to celebrate Memorial Day. We memorialized Memorial Day by lounging by the pool and getting pounded by the ferocious sun (the sunburns are not pretty). While lounging, we witnessed a game of Categories being played by a group of female youths nearby. You all know this game - One person stands out of the pool with their back turned and begins working through certain "categories." The other players are in the pool trying to make it across without getting caught by the player standing outside of the pool. Their cue to begin moving from one side to the other is when the player standing outside shouts out their chosen item from the given category. Ok. You remember.

One poor girl was not getting anywhere. She was working through the category of colors. She said - Silver, Yellow, Beige (BEIGE?!?!?), Black....uh......Yellow. None of the girls were crossing. And this girl was apparently running out of colors to call out. She kept turning around and none of the other girls were moving, so she had to keep taking steps forward. She really was stinking at this game. So...I got involved. A few moments later she called out "green" (she should have just worked through ROY G BIV) and one of the girls quietly dipped underwater and began her silent crossing. So I shouted out, "Uh oh!!!" The girl turned, jumped in....and didn't catch her. Hey, I tried.

Another weird thing from this game. At one point they were working through the category of "Soda" and the first two sodas that this girl named were "Sun Drop" and "Cheerwine." Honestly - is that the first two sodas that come to your mind?!? Kathryn and I were shocked. I don't think Coke or Dr. Pepper even made it into the mix. Just weird, off-brand, generic sodas. I think she even included "Dr. Thunder."

When the Octopus Got Freak Nasty

Day a May....bla bla bla....

This is the image that just crossed my mind. It did. So here it is.
Imagine this. A cartoon octopus. With cool, sunglasses on. He's in the middle of an under water dance club (not to be confused with an Octopus' Garden, mind you). There is a spinning disco ball spreading out fragments of glittery light across the dance floor. And the octopus is straight gettin' freak nasty on the dance floor (not to be confused with "freaky naughty," mind me). His tentacles are wobbling. They're wibbling. They're thrashing. Straight up freak nasty style.

That's what I pictured. But the phrase that obviously stood out to me was "freak nasty." This made me laugh. Not to mention the fact that it was a cartoon octopus that happened to be gettin freak nasty (not to be confused with "Getting jiggy with it," mind us). I think they should let Octopi into dance clubs. Just for the sole reason that Octopi could teach us a thing or two about gettin freak nasty. Or about gettin jiggy with it. Or about gettin low. Or about gettin loose. Or about gettin goose. Or about gettin Danza. We could all stand to learn a thing or two (or Danza) from the Octopi.

Questions Aplenty

yeah yeah...May a day....

Why is Bible paper so thin? Honestly, you can rip this stuff if you turn too frantically. Face-paced Sword drills result in torn Bible pages, people. Let's "get with it" and have Bible paper be "the normal thickness." Are other holy books made with thin paper? Or is just the Bible? Or just books starting with "B"?

And why is Yahoo! so excited all the time that they have to have an exclamation point after it? You can check Yahoo! Mail. You can read the Yahoo! News. Why does Yahoo! force me into a state of exhilaration and excitement. I'm just checking my email, people. I'm not entering into a pie-eating contest.

And what's the deal with chicken?

Easy Listening

one A day for all OF may....

Music. Genre. Easy Listening. This is actually a type of music out there. Easy Listening. I'm not sure I could pick it out on the radio, however. It isn't easy to identify Easy Listening. What is it, anyway? What is this claim this genre makes - that it is easy to listen to? What, other genres aren't? Sure, some of that "scream-gothic-primal-terror" music is not "easy on the ears," but I would think that every other genre is fairly easy to listen to.

If you think about it, listening is pretty easy to do as is. You just....listen. So what is this genre claiming? That they are the most easiest to listen to? That isn't claiming very much. Jackhammering is easy to listen to simply because it is loud. It is noise. All noise is easy to listen to. Things that are hard to listen to would be whispering, mice chewing, and the natural response when someone says, "Shhhh...do hear that?" and stares blankly off into the distance with their finger over their mouth.

You know what else is easy to listen to? Cacti. And fungi.

The Domestic Areopagus

One blog post per 24-hour period for the duration of the entire month of May...

I have come across an ongoing philosophical discussion amongst marriages - One where argumentation is conducted with vehemence and determination. One which plunges us all into the mysteries of humanity, the age-old debates of yesteryear, and the conundrums that have plagued philosophers (and gnomes) for centuries.

Dishwashing philosophy. The crucial question is: Do you rinse the dirty plate before you put it in the dishwasher or not?

The "Non-washers" insist that this is the primary reason one is putting the dirty plate in the dishwasher to begin with: to have it washed. Their position insists that "if you are going to wash it off by hand, why even bother with putting it in there?" This view sees the "washing-off" step as unnecessary, arbitrary, and wasteful (of water). This view tends to view the "Pre-washers" as controlling, aggressive, and sensitive.

The "Pre-washers" insist that the dishwasher may not be powerful enough to remove the caked-on funk from dinner. Therefore, this preliminary step removes the funk and leaves the still-dirty plate to be thoroughly cleansed by the dishwasher. This view sees the "washing-off" step as necessary and helpful. This view tends to view the "Non-washers" as haphazard, careless, and calloused.

I hold to the "Pre-wash" philosophy. You?

Ever Chagrinned?

One a day...

"Much to my chagrin." This sounds like a good thing. It involves grinning. But ahh...don't be confused. It is not "much to my grin" it is "much to my CHAgrin." And this changes the grin into...well....a chagrin...which is bad, apparently.

You don't see much of the "cha" prefix, that's for sure. I've heard of people being "pro" choice, but never "cha" choice. I've heard of someone being a "hyper" Calvinist, but never a "cha" Calvinist. I think we need to utilize the "cha" prefix a bit more than we do. For example, I'd be cha-The Jetsons. The Jetsons don't make me grin. They actually make me chagrin. I'm also cha-Alf. And cha-black licorice.

Grinning. You don't hear much about people grinning anymore either. It is usually described as "smiling." Honestly, when was the last time you used the word "grinning"? "Hey, look at that guy over there. The one who is grinning." This word seems to have fallen out of our daily vernacular (and everyday language). And it needs to be brought back in. Much like the "cha" prefix. I am cha-not-using-"grinning." But much to my chagrin, most people are cha-"grinning."

Milk, Grass Stains and Paper Cuts

Day all of for a May one...

I looked through a magazine the other day and saw a "Got Milk?" ad in it. Apparently, they are still running this ad campaign. I was a bit thrown off, I'll be honest. It's been a good 8 years since I saw Cindy Crawford staring at me with a milk mustache. Or Kermit the Frog. Or Eleanor Rigby.

Here's another thing I'll be honest about - I don't understand why milk needs advertising. We know it is out there. We need it. We are going to buy it and we are going to drink it. And what is competing with it? There is nothing else jockeying for position on what to put on my cereal. There is no other ingredient I want to put in my MILK shake. Are the milk companies getting insecure? Do they think the American populous might forget about them? Do they think we can go on without it?

It's just assumed - if you are running low on milk, you make a note to go buy more. You have to have milk in the fridge. No one thinks to themself...."Hmmm I'm running out of milk. Should I get some more or should I wait a while?" No one thinks that. And furthermore, no one thinks, "Hey, you know what would be good for lunch? A handful of Skittles." No one thinks that either. And no one thinks, "Hey! If Skittles and Starburst got married, they'd be called Starttles. But don't confuse Starttles with Smarties. They are not the same. Neither is Fun Dip the same as Starttles. Or Fun Dipples. Or Eleanor Rigby." No. No one thinks that.

Gummy...Maggots?

one a day...

Gummy Worms. Let's think about that for a bit here. What can be more disgusting that a wringing, wiggly, slime-coated, dirt-covered worm? They are like a prehistoric, algae-like snake. No eyes. No legs. Just a wiggly tube that slides in and through the earth. Eating dirt. Pooping dirt. I personally think they are nasty. The cool thing about them though is that if you split them in two...you get two wiggly worms. Two for the price of one. (That one's free.)

So....who decided that we should craft a gummy replica of these disgusting things. I bet if I pulled a worm from the ground and plunged it in your face, your first thought wouldn't be, "Oh, I want to eat it!" And certainly not, "Hey, let's cast a mold of one of those and fill it with glucose, corn syrup, and gum acacia." But crazier things have been done.

Like the Tony Danza Show.

And a season of The Real World filled with the former members of Pearl Jam and Public Enemy.

The Letter E

onE a day for all of may...

Cauliflower au gratin. I ate some last week. I probably haven't had cauliflower au gratin since 6th grade. But last week broke the streak. As well as my heart. And my nose.

When I was in 6th grade I would buy my lunch from school. Only on Wednesdays though. That was pizza day. Square-pizza day, actually. I remember buying two slices (or squares) of pizza...which was a bit radical back then because everyone usually got one. You got one square and then some vegetables. I found out how to work the system though. 2 slices. No vegetables. Same price. I was a happy 6th grader on Wednesdays.

Well...until I had to go out to the bike rack to face Alex Li. He was older. He was bigger. He had long hair. And he wore one of those chain-wallet things. And I think he wore Jencos and Doc Martins. Everyone was scared of Alex Li.

King Size

one a day for aLL of may...

I'm a little upset by the false advertising of King Size candy bars. Sure, a King Sized Snicker comes in a big, King Sized package, but when you open it up, you don't find a massive, bar-of-gold-esque Snickers. You find two smaller Snickers in there. This whole "King" size doesn't exist. If I wanted two smaller Snickers, I would have gotten a "Fun" size. All a "King" size is is two "Fun" sizes wrapped together.

King sized beds are King Sized. It's one enormous bed. Not two twin beds pushed up against each other. Don't lie to me and tell me a King Size Snicker is fit for a king. A "King" size Snickers is only two "Twin" sized Snickers not fit for a king. If I wanted two twin candy bars, I would have purchased a Twix. Or an Almond Joy. Or a Mounds. Or a Nutto Bar.

Do we really need a "King" sized anything? We have stuff that you can get Super Sized. Biggie Sized. Jumbo Sized. And King Sized. I think we should have the option for "Obese Size." Don't waste my time with this "Biggie" light weight crap. With the amount of stuff that we Americans enjoy BIG, I would have thought someone would have complained by now about this whole, King Sized lie about King Sized Snickers. Perhaps America is content with two Twin, "Fun" sized Snickers in a King Sized wrapper. Or perhaps America is too Tony Danza to notice.

M & Ms

Day a one for May of all...

No one knows what M & Ms stands for. I've asked around. All people can come up with is: "Mars." Oh, thanks. That's helpful people. What about the OTHER M??? It isn't just Ms. You aren't eating a handful of Ms (that do melt in your hand, and everyone knows it). You are eating M AND Ms. Two Ms. So what does it stand for?

I did some research. Apparently, the creators are Forrest Mars Sr. and F. Bruce Murrie. We all know about Mars...so what happened to Murrie?

I did some more research. R. Bruce Murrie is the son of William Murrie - the unsung President of Hershey Chocolate Company. Hmmm. Mars and Hershey. The Chocolate Juggernauts. Two companies from originally one idea. I'd like to think the parting of ways originated from a massive chocolate battle - one enormous, cocoa-bean apocalyptic show down. The end result would be the creation of two companies and both Mars and Murrie would get a pie in the face.

Sit Boo Boo Sit, Good Dog

One a May for all of day...

Our dog has a toy bone that she chews. She sits there gnawing away for hours on this thing. She loves it. Pure, chewy entertainment. This got me thinking...

What if "chewing" was entertainment to us? Imagine carving out an hour block on your schedule with nothing but a good stick of gum. You're there, sitting there on the couch, passing the day with a good chew.

Friend: What are you doing?

You: Chewing.

Friend: Yeah, I see that. But why are you just sitting there?

You: I'm just enjoying my chew.

Friend: You're just chewing?

You: Well, I'm enjoying also. I'm chewing and enjoying. I'm doing two things, I guess.

Emoticons

OADFAOM...

You all know about Emoticons. It's "emotional shorthand." If I'm happy and I am interested in communicating that emotion, I no longer have to actually write it out (like a caveman would). I can simply type a colon, followed by a parentheses (like a college grad would). In case you haven't been around a computer in the past 15 years, I will demonstrate:

:)

See...it's a sideways smiley face. :) I'm smiling. I'm happy. I wanted to communicate that to you. But not in a way that one might confuse as being sincere. I am not going that far. I'm not going to elaborate on my happiness. I'm not even going to communicate in person (like people do). I'm simply going to communicate through rearranging punctuation.

Now, I'm sad. :( And now I'm crying. ;( And now I have a unibrow. }:(

And now I am a unibrow-cyclops with my mouth open. }*0

And now I am a unibrow-cyclops with an ampersand for a mouth. }*&
I'm really not sure what that emoticon communicates about my current emotion... Maybe that I'm constipated?

Close but no Oppression

one a day for all of ay-may

Yesterday I spoke these words aloud, "Ahh....close but no cigar." Upon reflection, I realized that I have no idea what this expression actually means. I think it should be removed from even the outskirts of our vernacular. No one gives away free cigars anymore for getting a right answer. I'm not sure that this practice was ever done, actually. Who has a sackful of cigars they carry around with them to give other people when they happen to answer a question correct? Honestly. And who decided that a cigar (of all things (for goodness sake)) would be the worthy reward for a correct answer?

What would you do if you opposed smoking and yet received a cigar for a correct answer? Could you trade it in for, say, a handful of lima beans? Does the person with a sackful of cigars simultaneously carry around a sackful of lima beans that the non-smokers could take advantage of? If they don't, that's a bit discriminatory to the non-smokers of the world, don't you think? Oh, I see...only the "SMOKERS" get rewarded if they get an answer right. All you non-smokers get nothing but a smile and a thumbs up.

It's this type of discrimination that slowly erodes our communities, our neighborhoods, our cities and eventually our country. "Close but no cigar" caters to smokers at the expense of non-smokers in theory, for it assumes that only those who smoke are worthy to receive a reward for precision and excellence. It indirectly indoctrinates the next generation to see a divide between humanity - the worthy are those who smoke cigars...and the unworthy don't. The slippery slope begins there. Soon, the smokers see the non-smokers as not only not worthy, but as lower, as "less human." Once they are seen as inferior, they can be marginalized and caricatured. And once this happens, they can be oppressed and treated with blatant hostility, injustice, and disrespect. Do you want to see this happen?

Do you want to see a world divided like this - saturated with oppression, discrimination, and injustice? I suggest you do as I do, and refrain from the expression "close but no cigar."

Jinx! Buy Me a Coke

one a day for all of MAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You remember what it was like at the junior high cafeteria table during lunch hour (block A or B?). You would be talking with your friends about last night's Saved by the Bell episode (it used to be on Prime Time television, didn't it?) and suddenly you would be saying the exact same thing in unison with the person directly across from you (they may or may not have been enjoying a Slim Jim). Now, you have three options here. You can 1) chuckle, giggle and snicker at the odd coincidence, 2) remain dumbfounded and perplexed and therefore silent by the irony, or 3) quickly shout, "Jinx! Buy me a coke!" to which the other person (the jinxee) was then obligated to remain silent until released from the jinx. The jinx was officially released by the aforementioned jinxer's speaking of the jinxee's name. However, depending on the charity (or lack thereof) of the jinxer, the jinxee could remain silent beyond reason and decide to "break the jinx" (and the rules) and begin speaking. The penalty for such behavior would result in the purchasing of a can of Coca Cola Classic (they actually used to be 50 cents) for the jinxer.

So what happens when both people opt for option #3 and shout "Jinx! Buy me a coke!" in unison? Were they both jinxed? Did it simultaneously negate the jinx? Was their a "second-tiered" jinx one could say, like, "Jinx! Buy me a can of snap pees!"? I'm not sure and I can't remember. But I honestly think that a simultaneous jinx would make the universe implode. Or at least Slim Jim into oblivion.

The First Three Things That Came to Mind

One a day for all of May...

Is it me, or am I the only one who has seriously thought about storing all of my toe nail clippings in a big mason jar?

----

Asparagus pee. Somebody help me out here people. You all know what it smells like. No answers. Scientific research needs to be done. Why? Why?! WHY??!??!??!?!

----

And by the way, what's the deal with cheese? The other day, I pulled some out of the fridge and it had a spot of green mold on it. Isn't cheese, by definition, mold? Mold grows on mold? And that's bad?!? We can eat the mold but not the mold that grows on mold? Does this apply to fungus as well? Do little, disgusting green mushrooms grow on normal mushrooms? I'm confused here, people.

Shirley Ellis - My Dairy Queen

One a day for all of...well....you know....

Matthryn Matthryn bo Batthryn banana fanna fo Fatthryn
Fee fie Mo Matthryn. Matthryn!

You know the song. You sang it in junior high (and high school (and college))). But did you know that it was a record that was actually #3 on the Billboard charts in 1965? I didn't. And it has other lyrics as well, I discovered. Here are the lyrics that basically explains what in the world is going on with all these bananas and fo fannas:

The first letter of the name, I treat it like it wasn't there
But a B or an F or an M will appear
And then I say bo add a B then I say the name and Bonana fanna and a fo
And then I say the name again with an F very plain
and a fee fy and a mo
And then I say the name again with an M this time
and there isn't any name that I can't rhyme

Please just watch this and get educated...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MJLi5_dyn0

Or if you are really brave...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6ycaH1Mzy0

Double Monkey

One a May for all of day...

We are officially into double digits, yall! Woo-wee! Wee-woo!! Pee Poo!!! See Through!! Pee-eww!!! Pea Stew!!!! Knee Glue!!!!! Tree Dew!!! Bee Flew!!!! Glee Chew!!!! Mee Moo!!!!!!! Me, You!!!! We, Who???? Sea Clue!!!!!! Tea, Blue!!!!! Free Zoo!!!!

Any takers??

May 10th. 2008. Only 21 more days of Madness to go.

Man, I hate this.

Blame it on "Blame it on the Rain"

one A dAy for All of mAy...

I found myself singing Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the Rain" yesterday and as is my custom, I analyze and critique the lyrics. Here we have a sad story via really bad song about a man who "said good bye" and thus "sacrificed a good love" but is now feeling regret about the decision. He looks back on a poorly thought-through break up and decides that he "gotta blame it on something, gotta blame it on something." So he does what any rational, cultured, educated person does. He blames it on precipitation.

The part that never really stood out to me before but now does is the line, "Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you." This is clearly denial. I can see it now: No, no, it can't be my fault for prematurely breaking up with a "good love." It is just out of the question. It is isn't even an option that I might possibly be wrong here. It was the rain's fault. It was fallin' fallin'. And....and....(looking around frantically searching for something else)....I'll blame the stars! Yeah, that's it! It was the stars' fault! They shine at night. That is clearly blameworthy. But whatever I do, I won't put the blame on me.

I think I am going to use that excuse the next time Kathryn gets upset with me. "Matt, you said you would empty the dish washer." And I'll go, "Hey, don't look at me. Blame the precipitation. It was fallin fallin." Who blames rain?!? Honestly, people.

Oranges: Impenetrable Security System of Risk

Still, one a day for all of May...

There is nothing worse than spending an inordinate amount of time peeling an orange by hand to find out upon consumption that the orange is bad. You spend countless minutes (and seconds) carefully wedging your fingers between the thin outer peel/crust of protection and the soft, fragile, fruit beneath, pulling back and discarding the unnecessary "orange-bark" miniature-bit by miniature-bit. The anticipation builds. The suspense suspends. You anxiously await the first bite of pure, sweet, Florida Orange, the literal "fruit" of all of your labors.

And so you do. And something doesn't taste quite right. This isn't how an orange is supposed to taste, you think. So you keep chewing and give another orange wedge a try. You reason that maybe that first wedge tasted funny, but the rest will be good. And your reasoning turns out to be faulty. The rest is not good. It is, in fact, bad. Very bad. It tastes like chemicals. It is exceptionally chewy. It shouldn't be this chewy. It shouldn't taste like chemicals. It shouldn't be this way...not after all those countless minutes (and seconds) of peeling, discarding, wedging, wincing, gerunding, and tapping.

Pure Madness.

Conserving Water While Losing Dignity

One a day for all of May...

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Last night, I took a shower with a bucket. Now, don't misunderstand me. I didn't use a bucket to shower myself. I brought an empty bucket with me into the shower to collect the water that dripped off of my dirty body. Why did I do that? To conserve water for watering the yard. Translation: To save money on our water bill.

There I was in the shower standing next to an enormous 5 gallon bucket. I couldn't really tell where the most effective water-collecting spot to put it was. I tried beside me, hoping to catch some of those long, thick streams that seem to fall from my elbows. But it didn't seem to do the trick. So I then I thought about straddling it, having it be directly under me. This seemed to work fairly well, but covered the drain...so what didn't get collected by the bucket didn't get collected by the plumbing either.

Despite the awkwardness at times, I think it is a good idea. Brilliant even. Why waste all that water when you can snag it and pour it on your plants. It really sucks to be a plant, come to think of it. You get peed on my dogs and then dumped with 5 gallons of someone's dirty bath water.

My Dog Loves Urine

One a day for all of May...

Our dog has a propensity of sticking her face in urine. We go on a walk around the neighborhood and she incessantly stops to plunge her snout into a bush, a telephone pole, or a tuft of grass just to inhale a fresh wave of urine odor. She loves it. And I don't quite understand.

I don't understand why she would be so thrilled with that smell and not others (like freshly cut cedar, or roasted almonds). Sure...I know some dog before us has decided to "mark its territory" with a quick little squirt of pee, but why does my dog take the time to actually investigate? Perhaps she was thinking of "marking her territory" on that spot and wanted to make sure she wasn't going to get herself into some trouble with the previous "territory owner."

Ok...help me understand how urine equals territory. Everywhere one pees, that's now your property? That's how it works?! That is the #1 real estate law in the dog world, apparently. And what is with this global take-over mindset? I've seen dogs pee all over the place. Oh, so every single spot is now yours? That's really selfish. And a bit tyrannical and totalitarian, if you ask me. The dogs don't even utilize their new "territory" once they "mark it" anyway. They just pee on it, claim it as theirs, and move on. They may never come back to it again, but hey, they peed on it, so it's theirs. And my dog comes along behind them and breathes it all in...every last sniff of pure, dog urine.

¡Madness de Mayo!

¿Uno un día para todo Mayo?

May 5th. Cinco de Mayo. Today we celebrate Mexico. On May 5th, a long time ago, they became independent. We celebrate their independence. I'm not really sure what they were so dependent on. I am fairly ignorant on the whole holiday in all honesty. But that doesn't mean that I won't participate in the celebration. I will celebrate Mexico's independence. There is nothing like partying and celebrating the national history of a nation whose history I know nothing about.

It is a bit unfortunate that the Spanish word "Mayo" happens to be the American shorthand for mayonnaise. If you didn't know better, you would think Mexico was celebrating mayonnaise. A huge national holiday for whipped fat.

Confused....again

One a day for all of May...

A number of days ago, I stood in our backyard surveying the landscape. Wet. Everything was soaked. It had rained pretty hard the night before and now the earth was wet. The blades of grass were carrying beads of water. Puddles had formed in certain areas. As I metaphorically drank the scene in, one thought occurred to me.

Where do squirrels go when it rains?

I looked up in the branches for squirrels. Not in that tree. And nope, not in that tree over there. So I thought, those squirrels are probably a few houses down, in someone else's trees. But this surely can't be right. I looked across the way to our neighbor's trees. No squirrels. No squirrels anywhere.

Where do they take shelter amidst the downfall?
Do they even have a place to hide at all?
What would happen if a squirrel got wet?
Does the squirrel have the capacity to be upset?
When it rains and pours, do they climb up high?
(For surely a branch can't keep them dry).
Do they burrow in holes simply out of fear?
Or are they wizards and just disappear?

Banana Runts

One a day for all of May...

I have been thinking about this for some time. There are a few food items that people either really like or really hate...without much middle ground in between. Loathing or Loving. For example: Banana Runts. You either comb through your bag of Runts to remove them or to savor them. I've been asking around and this seems to be true. Although in my informal surveys, I have (iHave) discovered that most people prefer the "hate" option. By the way, when was the last time you had a Runt? I can't remember. It has had to have been several years. That's hard to imagine that there really has been a Runt depletion in my life for YEARS (iWow).

Same way with coconut. You either love it or hate it. I love it. I also love Banana Runts. But hey, I'm also writing a blog at 7:00 am on Saturday morning. And I'm in desperate need of a shower.

Pros and Cons

Yesterday in the shower I was trying to think of the pros and cons of being either a professional or a con-man. Here is what I've come up with:

Professional

Pros:
-Well, you're a professional
-The title demands respect
-You probably get paid a lot of money
-You are good at what you do

Cons:
-The title can't be good for humility
-You are only really good at one specific area/niche
-People will demand much of you and your time

Con-man

Pros:
-You get to act (which is fun)
-You don't have to punch a time sheet
-You don't have to pay taxes

Cons:
-You're breaking the law
-You hurt people by stealing their money
-You run the risk of getting beaten up, shot, killed, or put in prison

So...after weighing the pros and cons of being either a pro or a con, it seems pretty even. Neck and neck, I would say. Cheek and cheek, even. The pros for being a pro are about the same as the number of cons for being a con. And likewise, the cons for pros are about the same as the pros for cons. I suppose the only thing that would tip the scale would be what kind of pro you were. A professional basketball player may be better than a professional pie-eater. A professional athlete would bring in more money than a business professional (and also someone who is told by their friends that they act 'professional.')

I suppose the perfect option here would to be a professional con-man. Or better yet, a professional con-man who cons professional athletes. I'm not sure if there are any cons to that.

May Madness 2: The Return of the Rerun

One a day for all of May...

This is officially Round 2. The SECOND annual May Madness. This is May Madness: The Sequel.

And this got me thinking about sequels. They can be pretty good...or pretty awful. Interestingly enough, most good sequels don't stop there. They go on to form Trilogies. There is something about 3 that is better than 2. And let's face it...if you got a good thing going, you can squeeze a couple more million dollars out of it by rounding out a trilogy.

Home Alone 2. Pretty good. Home Alone 3 dropped Macaulay and...well....you didn't see it did you? Exactly.
Terminator 2 was historic. It was so good, nobody really even talks about Terminator 1. Just Terminator 2. I don't think I've seen either, actually.
Men in Black 2. Uhh....should have just left it alone with #1.

And then you have the Disney sequels. The blockbusting Disney motion pictures that come out in the theater have been known to come out with subsequent and very terrible sequels that you can only purchase in grocery stores. The animation is sloppy, I'm not sure there is any Disney-esque singing involved, and don't count on recognizing any of the voice-over actors. Ever heard of Lion King 2: The Return of Mufasa? You wouldn't have, unless you shop at Food Lion. What about "The Little Mermaid 3: Unda Da Sea Again!!" And what about "The Land Before Time 8"? Uh....yeah.

Some movies rightfully don't make for good sequels. For example, the movie "The One."

Oh, the madness.