A month or so back I applied for a credit card. I don't have one. I need one. And so I applied for one. This makes sense right? They send you those things in the mail - "Hey!! Sign up for this credit card!!! It's the greatest thing ever!! Come on everybody!! Sign up!!" So I did. I filled out the little application. I sent it in. And then I waited.
Their reply came back with a tactful denial. Their reason - insufficient credit history and not enough "established revolving credit accounts." Hmmm. That's funny. That's the whole reason that I applied for one in the first place. You know, because I don't really have credit history or "established revolving credit accounts."
And so I recently applied for another one. This time I knew I could get it. This is a company that I have my savings with. They sent out one of those "Hey!! We've got a sweet credit card with sweet benefits!! Apply today!!" things in the mail. I figured I couldn't lose. They were already working for me. They already have my money. Oh, but no. I was wrong. I got the letter of denial in the mail today for, oh, guess what, the same reasons as before - "insufficient credit history and insufficient established revolving credit accounts."
Ok. Help me out here people. How in the world do people get credit cards if they grant you a credit card on the basis of credit which presupposes you have a credit card?? How do I break into this cycle of credit? How do I establish a revolving credit account? What in the hell is a revolving credit account?
Am I the only one to whom this makes no sense? I see people with credit cards out there. I know they have them. How do they get them though? How do they get all this "credit?" And what in the world is credit anyway? Is this the government's economic brownie point system? Yes. It is. You do enough good things (transactions) and you get extra points (credit). If you get enough points, you can turn them in to get a point card (credit card). The only snag is, you have to use the credit card to get the points.
This reminds me of going to the arcade and pumping in handfulls of quarters into those machines so that it would pump out 5 pink, paper tickets. I would horde and gather and save my tickets and then take them up to the desk and trade them in for a black, plastic spider ring you could slide on your finger only to get it stuck at the knuckle. But apparently in the "real world" you trade all your tickets in for...more quarters.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Monday, October 24, 2005
Sin, Tax, and Syntax
"Writing is a disorderly and unnerving enterprise."
I am applying to seminary, a process I have greatly enjoyed. Well, that is, until I got to question number 37 on the application form. It reads as such, "On a separate page, please type a comprehensive account of your conversion, your relationship to the Lord Jesus Christ, and your ministry experience in or outside the church (1 to 4 pages, double spaced)."
And so I began writing. This can't be hard. It's autobiography. This is a subject I feel well versed in. It's me. I can fill up 1 to 4 pages. And very quickly I did. So quickly that I filled up 4 pages and had barely only answered the first section of the question - "a comprehensive account of your conversion." I thought they wanted a "comprehensive" account. I can't do that and all the other stuff in under four pages. Double spaced.
So I went back through and tried to find sections that could be cut. Oh here's one - how about the whole first 2 pages of unorganized rambling of my pretentious attempt to be philosophical in understanding the principles imbedded in me growing up and how they worked both for my advantage and peril. Ok, I can rewrite that. After all, I was only trying to be "comprehensive." I have to explain the back story to get to the real story right? You can't just start with Episode 4 like Lucas did and not expect everybody to want to know what happened in 1 through 3. After all, isn't that being "comprehensive."
So I gave it another shot. I truncated and simplified the first section. I included a few "yada yadas" to fill in gaps. On the second section, you know, the one about my "relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ," I simply wrote, "Yes, I have one." They didn't designate me to be "comprehensive" on that one. And for the third section, I just skipped it. It didn't seem to important.
So 1 to 4 pages later, I had my application finished. You know, trying to write for a seminary is very strange. You want to sound smart but not overly pretentious, like you are transparently trying to impress them with your writing ability. You want to be humble, but not overly humble, as if you have absolutely no confidence in your intellectual capacity. It is a strange tension to write in. And oh yes, I get to write in the middle of that tension for the next three years (if they decide to overlook my rediculous application essay and accept me. No, that was too humble. I meant, "my unbelievably brilliant essay and accept me." There. Better.)
I am applying to seminary, a process I have greatly enjoyed. Well, that is, until I got to question number 37 on the application form. It reads as such, "On a separate page, please type a comprehensive account of your conversion, your relationship to the Lord Jesus Christ, and your ministry experience in or outside the church (1 to 4 pages, double spaced)."
And so I began writing. This can't be hard. It's autobiography. This is a subject I feel well versed in. It's me. I can fill up 1 to 4 pages. And very quickly I did. So quickly that I filled up 4 pages and had barely only answered the first section of the question - "a comprehensive account of your conversion." I thought they wanted a "comprehensive" account. I can't do that and all the other stuff in under four pages. Double spaced.
So I went back through and tried to find sections that could be cut. Oh here's one - how about the whole first 2 pages of unorganized rambling of my pretentious attempt to be philosophical in understanding the principles imbedded in me growing up and how they worked both for my advantage and peril. Ok, I can rewrite that. After all, I was only trying to be "comprehensive." I have to explain the back story to get to the real story right? You can't just start with Episode 4 like Lucas did and not expect everybody to want to know what happened in 1 through 3. After all, isn't that being "comprehensive."
So I gave it another shot. I truncated and simplified the first section. I included a few "yada yadas" to fill in gaps. On the second section, you know, the one about my "relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ," I simply wrote, "Yes, I have one." They didn't designate me to be "comprehensive" on that one. And for the third section, I just skipped it. It didn't seem to important.
So 1 to 4 pages later, I had my application finished. You know, trying to write for a seminary is very strange. You want to sound smart but not overly pretentious, like you are transparently trying to impress them with your writing ability. You want to be humble, but not overly humble, as if you have absolutely no confidence in your intellectual capacity. It is a strange tension to write in. And oh yes, I get to write in the middle of that tension for the next three years (if they decide to overlook my rediculous application essay and accept me. No, that was too humble. I meant, "my unbelievably brilliant essay and accept me." There. Better.)
Monday, October 17, 2005
Discoveries of Yesteryear
I just found out that the word "wheel barrel" does not exist. It is in fact "wheelbarrow." This is a complete shock to me. I always thought it was barrel, not barrow. I have spent 24 plus years on this planet thinking it was barrel. And all along it was barrow.
I looked up barrow on dictionary dot com. Sure enough, the first definition is simply "a handbarrow," which doesn't help you out much if you didn't already know what a barrow was. The second definition is equally as unhelpful - "a wheelbarrow."
But then I scrolled down to the jackpot. Definition number four. It reads as such, "a pig that has been castrated before reaching sexual maturity." Wow. That can't be. A barrow is a castrated pig that has never hit puberty. Check it out for yourself. I kid you not.
Then I googled (which by the way, I hate that term) it for pictures. And sure enough, I found me a pic of a barrow. A real barrow. Here she is boys http://www.gerlachshowpig.com/champs.htm. This is a picture of a Prize winning barrow who is noted as having "screamin semen from Indiana." That's a bit scary, I'll be honest.
I wonder if I've ever eaten barrow bacon? Or barrow chops? Or barrow loin? I wonder if the meat is better, sort of like veal is in the cow realm.
I looked up barrow on dictionary dot com. Sure enough, the first definition is simply "a handbarrow," which doesn't help you out much if you didn't already know what a barrow was. The second definition is equally as unhelpful - "a wheelbarrow."
But then I scrolled down to the jackpot. Definition number four. It reads as such, "a pig that has been castrated before reaching sexual maturity." Wow. That can't be. A barrow is a castrated pig that has never hit puberty. Check it out for yourself. I kid you not.
Then I googled (which by the way, I hate that term) it for pictures. And sure enough, I found me a pic of a barrow. A real barrow. Here she is boys http://www.gerlachshowpig.com/champs.htm. This is a picture of a Prize winning barrow who is noted as having "screamin semen from Indiana." That's a bit scary, I'll be honest.
I wonder if I've ever eaten barrow bacon? Or barrow chops? Or barrow loin? I wonder if the meat is better, sort of like veal is in the cow realm.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Bloods and Crips and Other Big Words
You don't hear that much about gang banging any more. Do people even use that term? Gang banging? It already sounds so antiquated. Maybe it was just a term from the 90s. I always heard of the gang bangers, you know, the people who ride in old townscars, who sit low, who listen to rap music, who wear bandanas on their head, who most likely have hydraulics (16 switches), who participate in organized crime and/or violence, who are black, and who run around in groups whose membership necessitated initiation. These were the gang bangers. And now I never hear of them.
The Bloods and Crips of course were the most famous. You know all the rumors. If there is a car driving down the street at night with its lights off, don't blink your brights. It is a gang banger. They will shoot you. They show no discretion for virtuous acts of public safety awareness. In fact, if you try to better society by notifying people that they are driving without their lights on, they not only discourage this, they hate this. They kill over this no no. This is in the gang banger handbook.
And you don't want to be caught in the wrong part of town wearing the wrong color. You may expose who you actually "rep." So all through Junior High, I never wore red or blue. I didn't want the Crips to mistake me as a Blood. And I surely didn't want the Bloods to mistake me as a Crip. I was positive that if I was wearing a red Mossimo T-shirt, the Crips would no doubt think I was repping Blood. White, blonde, middle class, public school Blood repper. It is highly possible.
And you remember the hand signs. The Bloods threw up that notorious "b" in the air. The Crips followed suit with the "c." If the opposite gang bangers didn't already identify you by your primary colors, they surely wouldn't have room for doubt when you threw up the first letter of the gang you represented. Remember the kids that could contort both hands to spell out "b-l-o-o-d"? I always felt bad for the Crips that they had nothing like this. They just had that isolated "c." Maybe for them that was enough.
Come to think of it, gang banging looks an awful lot like fraternities. There is a big, organized, pre-existing group that newcomers have to be initiated into. Once initiated, there is organized crime and/or violence. Both gang bangers and frats consume tons of cheap alcohol. Both have secret hand signs and hand shakes. Both have identifying colors and rich heritages. This makes me wonder whether there exists all female gangs. If so, would they organize the equivalent of a Date Party with the male gang bangers? Would they have silly names for them like frats do? How about - "Drive By Destination." Or "Liquor Store Loot."
I think the gang bangers should adopt Greek letters. The Bloods could be the Beta Lamda Omicron Omicron Deltas. The Crips could be the Kappa Gamma Iota Rhos. They should also have mascots. The Bloods could be a Vein. The Crips could be a Camel.
Gang banging needs to be brought back into the public spotlight. I need to hear about some innocent old man who got shot for trying to notify a stranger that their lights were off. I need to hear about somebody being beat up in the bathroom at school for wearing bluejeans (the Bloods have to have hated this invention). Bring it back gang bangers. Here I am wearing all blue throwing up a big "c." You best rep where you from.
The Bloods and Crips of course were the most famous. You know all the rumors. If there is a car driving down the street at night with its lights off, don't blink your brights. It is a gang banger. They will shoot you. They show no discretion for virtuous acts of public safety awareness. In fact, if you try to better society by notifying people that they are driving without their lights on, they not only discourage this, they hate this. They kill over this no no. This is in the gang banger handbook.
And you don't want to be caught in the wrong part of town wearing the wrong color. You may expose who you actually "rep." So all through Junior High, I never wore red or blue. I didn't want the Crips to mistake me as a Blood. And I surely didn't want the Bloods to mistake me as a Crip. I was positive that if I was wearing a red Mossimo T-shirt, the Crips would no doubt think I was repping Blood. White, blonde, middle class, public school Blood repper. It is highly possible.
And you remember the hand signs. The Bloods threw up that notorious "b" in the air. The Crips followed suit with the "c." If the opposite gang bangers didn't already identify you by your primary colors, they surely wouldn't have room for doubt when you threw up the first letter of the gang you represented. Remember the kids that could contort both hands to spell out "b-l-o-o-d"? I always felt bad for the Crips that they had nothing like this. They just had that isolated "c." Maybe for them that was enough.
Come to think of it, gang banging looks an awful lot like fraternities. There is a big, organized, pre-existing group that newcomers have to be initiated into. Once initiated, there is organized crime and/or violence. Both gang bangers and frats consume tons of cheap alcohol. Both have secret hand signs and hand shakes. Both have identifying colors and rich heritages. This makes me wonder whether there exists all female gangs. If so, would they organize the equivalent of a Date Party with the male gang bangers? Would they have silly names for them like frats do? How about - "Drive By Destination." Or "Liquor Store Loot."
I think the gang bangers should adopt Greek letters. The Bloods could be the Beta Lamda Omicron Omicron Deltas. The Crips could be the Kappa Gamma Iota Rhos. They should also have mascots. The Bloods could be a Vein. The Crips could be a Camel.
Gang banging needs to be brought back into the public spotlight. I need to hear about some innocent old man who got shot for trying to notify a stranger that their lights were off. I need to hear about somebody being beat up in the bathroom at school for wearing bluejeans (the Bloods have to have hated this invention). Bring it back gang bangers. Here I am wearing all blue throwing up a big "c." You best rep where you from.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Attack Obesity
My yahoo email account gives me two inboxes, as I'm sure most of yours do too. One is the normal one, where my trashy friends send me emails. One is the "bulk" one, where people I don't know send me trash. These bulk emails pile up quick as I have been known to come home from a long day at work and check my email only to have accumulated 15 of them. Sometimes I open the box up just to see what is in there, only to be disappointed. Nothing is ever good in there.
Until today.
The subject was, "Attack Obesity." Curiousity drove me to open it. I have never heard of the strategy against obesity to be an "attack." I had to read more. It turns out that the email was written by a doctor. Imagine that. Dr. Adrienne Washburn. Now Dr. Washburn has come up with a new thing called Hoodia and she expects it to be quite the success, as her email said that it will soon be "tripping off my tongue." I'm not quite sure what that means. Shouldn't it be "dripping?" At any rate, I felt that to have me just explain the email didn't do it justice. So I included it. Here it is folks, the way to attack obesity. The following is the exact email I received from Dr. Adrienne Washburn in my bulk inbox. The only difference is, any thing is parenthesis is my personal commentary. Oh and by the way, I googled for Dr. Adrienne Washburn and found nothing. Try it yourself. That makes this all the more fishy.
-Attack Obesity-
Each year, people spend more than $40 billion on products designed to help them slim down. None of them seem to be working very well.
Now along comes hoodia. Never heard of it? Soon it'll be tripping off your tongue (again, very strange that hoodia will be tripping off my tongue), because hoodia is a natural substance that literally takes your appetite away. It's very different from diet stimulants like Ephedra and Phenfen that are now banned because of dangerous side effects. Hoodia doesn't stimulate at all. Scientists (who are these nameless, faceless "scientists?") say it fools the brain by making you think you’re full, even if you've eaten just a morsel (who says "morsel' anymore?).
http://atuoswoan.info/
Suppress your appetite and feel full and satisfied all day long
Increase your energy levels
Lose excess weight
Increase your metabolism (someone explain how this works when you have no food in your stomach)
Burn body fat
Burn calories
Attack obesity
And more.. (Oooh, if only I knew what more there was...)
http://atuoswoan.info/
Regards,
Dr. Adrienne Washburn
There you have it - the perfect strategy on how to attack obesity. And oh yeah, also die from malnourishment.
Until today.
The subject was, "Attack Obesity." Curiousity drove me to open it. I have never heard of the strategy against obesity to be an "attack." I had to read more. It turns out that the email was written by a doctor. Imagine that. Dr. Adrienne Washburn. Now Dr. Washburn has come up with a new thing called Hoodia and she expects it to be quite the success, as her email said that it will soon be "tripping off my tongue." I'm not quite sure what that means. Shouldn't it be "dripping?" At any rate, I felt that to have me just explain the email didn't do it justice. So I included it. Here it is folks, the way to attack obesity. The following is the exact email I received from Dr. Adrienne Washburn in my bulk inbox. The only difference is, any thing is parenthesis is my personal commentary. Oh and by the way, I googled for Dr. Adrienne Washburn and found nothing. Try it yourself. That makes this all the more fishy.
-Attack Obesity-
Each year, people spend more than $40 billion on products designed to help them slim down. None of them seem to be working very well.
Now along comes hoodia. Never heard of it? Soon it'll be tripping off your tongue (again, very strange that hoodia will be tripping off my tongue), because hoodia is a natural substance that literally takes your appetite away. It's very different from diet stimulants like Ephedra and Phenfen that are now banned because of dangerous side effects. Hoodia doesn't stimulate at all. Scientists (who are these nameless, faceless "scientists?") say it fools the brain by making you think you’re full, even if you've eaten just a morsel (who says "morsel' anymore?).
http://atuoswoan.info/
Suppress your appetite and feel full and satisfied all day long
Increase your energy levels
Lose excess weight
Increase your metabolism (someone explain how this works when you have no food in your stomach)
Burn body fat
Burn calories
Attack obesity
And more.. (Oooh, if only I knew what more there was...)
http://atuoswoan.info/
Regards,
Dr. Adrienne Washburn
There you have it - the perfect strategy on how to attack obesity. And oh yeah, also die from malnourishment.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Have You No Shame?
I love attention. Plain and simple. Always have. Always will. I hate that I love it, but I love it. I love a good stage and spotlight. I love a good mic turned up on high. I love a good crowd. And furthermore, I love a good comment on a blog. I am sure you are guilty of it too. You check your blog and see what new comments have been placed. Ooh, sometimes you ruffle some feathers. Those are good comments. Sometimes somebody truly identifies with what you wrote. Good comments too. Sometimes a sweet girl just wants to let you know that she read it. Always good. I have discovered the not so good comments.
And those are the advertisements.
Come on blogger dot com. Have you no shame? Must you sell us out to where we now get ads on our comments? And ad people - have you no shame that you would sink so low as to paste your worthless ads on a blog comment? Is that the epitome of desperate? And don't you love how sneaky they are when they write it. They sign it as anonymous and get you hooked from the start, "Hey, I was searching around and I came across your blog. It is totally awesome. And I agree 100%." You are thinking, hey some chick out there really likes me stuff. And then their cards are shown, "You should totally check out this website www.bla bla bla.com." We see through your stupid little ploys advertisers. You can't fool us. And you can't pay me enough to click that blue link.
Advertisements have taken over the world. Everything is a freaking commercial now. MTV (back when it played music videos) was a never ending commercial. You are either watching the promotion of Aerosmith or Zest. And what about sports arenas? Ads fill every square inch. Home Depot, Old Spice, Alpo, etc. And for goodness sake, the Nascar people. Is there anyroom left on your outfit to sell yourself out? Your only restriction is space. I bet the Nascar corporate folk want fatter drivers. They have more spots to put more ads. You just wait. That will be the new face of Nascar - fat drivers.
Frankly, I'm sick of it. And now you advertising bastards are invading my little piece of cyberspace, my little blog. But you know, now that I think about it, aren't blogs advertisements too? For what am I sellling other than myself and my stories and my thoughts. Perhaps I am the biggest sell out. I have sold out my soul. The only difference is, what I sell is free. It only costs you some time. And it only costs me some dignity.
Perhaps I have sold out, and I have, but please advertisers, let this be MY shameful plea for attention. Don't interfere.
And those are the advertisements.
Come on blogger dot com. Have you no shame? Must you sell us out to where we now get ads on our comments? And ad people - have you no shame that you would sink so low as to paste your worthless ads on a blog comment? Is that the epitome of desperate? And don't you love how sneaky they are when they write it. They sign it as anonymous and get you hooked from the start, "Hey, I was searching around and I came across your blog. It is totally awesome. And I agree 100%." You are thinking, hey some chick out there really likes me stuff. And then their cards are shown, "You should totally check out this website www.bla bla bla.com." We see through your stupid little ploys advertisers. You can't fool us. And you can't pay me enough to click that blue link.
Advertisements have taken over the world. Everything is a freaking commercial now. MTV (back when it played music videos) was a never ending commercial. You are either watching the promotion of Aerosmith or Zest. And what about sports arenas? Ads fill every square inch. Home Depot, Old Spice, Alpo, etc. And for goodness sake, the Nascar people. Is there anyroom left on your outfit to sell yourself out? Your only restriction is space. I bet the Nascar corporate folk want fatter drivers. They have more spots to put more ads. You just wait. That will be the new face of Nascar - fat drivers.
Frankly, I'm sick of it. And now you advertising bastards are invading my little piece of cyberspace, my little blog. But you know, now that I think about it, aren't blogs advertisements too? For what am I sellling other than myself and my stories and my thoughts. Perhaps I am the biggest sell out. I have sold out my soul. The only difference is, what I sell is free. It only costs you some time. And it only costs me some dignity.
Perhaps I have sold out, and I have, but please advertisers, let this be MY shameful plea for attention. Don't interfere.
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