A Monologue

Eleanor: I wonder if other people lick the top of the yogurt and pudding lids like I do. Is that something only I do? Surely not. Surely at least one other person licks the tops of yogurt and pudding lids. I don't really see why you wouldn't. You're saving some of the yogurt (or pudding). You're not wasting a drop. Although the bottom edges of the rounded cups are hard to get with the spoon. I often give up on those edges down there. I guess I do waste some. But what I waste in the edges I make up for in the lids. See....that's not bad. Lid licking isn't gross, is it? I don't think so. Oh crap, what if its gross and I don't know it? What if every time I've lid licked in front of someone they thought, "Oh, Eleanor is so disgusting. There isn't anything she wouldn't lick if she licks pudding lids. She probably chews the gum she finds under her lunch tables." But surely not. I wouldn't lick the outside part of the lid. Only the inside part - protected and sealed from the elements. Surely people don't lid lick on account of it being gross. So why wouldn't they? What is wrong with lid licking? I honestly don't understand why someone wouldn't enjoy the yogurt appetizer. You at least get 2 licks worth. That's 2 more licks of yogurt you wouldn't have received had you simply peeled the yogurt lid and tossed it. Man....I'm getting in the mood for a brick of guacamole. Or a hay ride. Or an egg salad.

A Dialogue

Oliver: So you're telling me you know how to change the oil in your car?

Gene: That's what I'm telling you.

Oliver: And you're telling me you have had no professional training in oil-exchanging?

Gene: Yup.

Oliver: Impossible!! I'm calling your bluff.

Gene: Call it then.

Oliver: I just did. BLUFF!!

Gene: That's not really "calling my bluff," that's more just saying the word "bluff" really loudly.

Oliver: No, that's actually calling it. I called out your bluff.

Gene: No, you don't understand. You didn't call out my bluff. You just called out "bluff."

Oliver: I don't think you get how bluff-calling works. That's all that is required, me "calling your bluff." Bluff has officially been called. End of story.

Gene: No, no, no. You can't just say "I'm calling your bluff," you actually have to do it. You can't just announce, "I'm doing something right now" when you aren't doing anything. A bluff-call has not happened yet.

Oliver: What are you talking about? Bluff-calls happen when you bluff-call. There is nothing else to it. What else is involved in bluff-calling?

Gene: You call my bluff.

Oliver: I don't even know what that means anymore.

Gene: Exactly.

Mercantilism, Feudalism, and Pop Tarts

I think I have come across something more frustrating than 7Up! advertisements: customer service on the telephone. A few moments ago I had to call up our cable company to discuss a bill. You would think with "customer service" there would be some form of "service" for me - the customer. But no. No human contact. No personal representative. I had to talk to the Robot Lady - you know, the automated voice of some computer.

And this was the type that didn't want me to press any numbers, this robot actually wanted to engage in dialogue. "Please...tell...us....the.....phone.....number....associated.....with.....your....account." So I began speaking. And miraculously it understood. And then parroted back to me the correct number. I was a bit surprised. This usually does not work for me, especially surrounding the robot's confusion over the number 5 and number 9. They sound alike to robots. They get easily confused.

And now the robot wants to know "in two or three words" the reason why I am calling. It is polite. It gives me suggestions, "You....can....say...."Account Information"....or....."New Account".....or......"Service Desk." So, in a very abrupt and out-of-context-sort-of-way, I blurted out: "Bill." And miraculously, it understood. Robot Lady repeated, "Billing."

And just when I thought I was getting somewhere, the whole system fell apart. Once again she gave me some options to repeat back to her: "Make a Payment"...."See Account Balance".....or......"Neither of these." I wanted option three. So I said, "Neither of these." And I was quickly interrupted, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" the robot insisted. I repeated myself, "Neither of these." And again: "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" So now I pretend like I am talking to a 2 year old foreign exchange student. "N...e....i...t....h....e....r...........o......f.............t....h....e......s......e......."

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

Now why do these companies think this is a good idea - to talk to robots as opposed to engaging with an actual human being? Oh I know....you don't have to pay a robot to talk to you but you have to pay a real human. So that's it, I guess. It's all about the Benjamins. So while they are loading up on the cash, I am growing more and more irritated with the robots I have to dialogue with.

Dottin Dips

I'm sure that you've seen this kiosk in the mall. Or perhaps you have even seen them in certain vending machines. You know what they are. Dippin' Dots: Ice Cream of the Future. For $5 or more you can have a 3 oz. cup of ice cream pellets. What a wonderful idea. And what a complete rip off.

What I have been thinking about is....what if Dippin' Dots actually is the ice cream of the future. Are we no longer going to have normal tubs (or cartons) of ice cream? No more traditional scooping? No more ice cream cones? I suppose that in 3030 there isn't going to be any of this. Ice cream will come balled up in little "dots" that you can "dip."

I cannot conceive of any possible reason why the future would yield such results. What futuristic, space-age, technological need would there be to change traditional, creamy, tubby ice cream into little ice cream balls? Ok, maybe the lack of oxygen in space? But that's why we have that astronaut-Nasa-space-ice cream that comes in an aluminum pouch and looks (and tastes) like Neapolitan-colored styrofoam. But that's not the ice cream of the future. That's the ice cream of space. Down here on earth and in the future, we are still eating tubby ice cream. Not ice cream "dots."

Tubby, Danza ice cream.

J

Kathryn and I were discussing recently how it might be possible to change your name into an initial. You know, instead of me going by Matt Howell - I'd go by M.T. Howell (my first two initials). There are plenty of people out there who do this - C.S. Lewis, R.C. Sproul, J.K. Rowling, A1 Steak Sauce, etc. But how do you start this trend for yourself? That's the question.

And the more we thought about it - we realized that the crucial denominator is the letter J. Most every initialized nomenclature possesses the letter J. Here are our findings:

A.J. - the Apple Jacks "mascot"
B.J. Novak - Ryan on The Office
C.J. - there is a C.J. that goes to our church
D.J. Tanner - Full House
E.J. - Kathryn knowns an E.J.
J.J. - the "DY-NO-MITE" guy from Good Times
K.J. - Kendall Jackson winery
L.J. - Larry (Grandma) Johnson, LL Cool J
M.J. - Jordan, Jackson....
N.J. - New Jersey
O.J. - hmmmm
P.J. - a coffee house, a type of wine, shorthand for pajamas
R.J. - Again, Kathryn knows one.
S.J. - Sarah Joy
T.J. - I happen to know 2 T.J.s (for the price of 1)
V.J. Singh - the golf-o-matic golfer

I am going to go for HJ. It doesn't really roll off the tongue....but it does roll off your back.

When Hearts Attack

The heart is the only organ I am aware of that will actually turn on its owner and attack them. Other body parts seem to simply be reacting to disease - the heart goes on the offensive and attacks.

Although, now that I think about it - you do have asthma attacks. But to get technical, that isn't actually a lung attack, per se. It is something foreign, some outside genetic disease doing its attacking...not the actual lung.

The heart is like, "Naw man, I'm done with you. I'm sick of beating and beating. I'm sick and tired of this. I will attack you."

And there is not much you can do about it.

Metric, Imperial, and Starbucks Measurements

Yesterday I popped into Starbucks to “get caffeinated” and “get some work done.” And as is my custom, I ordered a small cup of coffee “for here” (you get free refills if they put it in the ceramic “for here” mug). But I didn’t order it correctly. Again. I ordered a “small” cup. And of course, no “small” cup exists. They have “tall” cups. Tall for small. Grande for medium. And Venti for large.

Now, Starbucks is not a new company. They’ve been around a while. And I still don’t get their measuring system. I have to look up and scan their menu every time to make sure I’m ordering the right size by using the right language. My thought is – If I’m not getting it yet, other people aren’t either. Starbucks, it is time to change your stupid measuring system and adopt the normal language of small, medium, large.

Everyone knows “Grande” means large. But not here. Here - Grande means medium.

Everyone knows "Tall" means big. But not here. Here - Tall is the shortest.

No one knows what "Venti" means.

They should have made Venti be the small, Tall be the medium, and Grande the large. That at least has some rhyme or reason (and rhythm) to it.