Donkey Kong: The Key to the Meaning of the Universe

Today I had the pleasure of baby-sitting Caleb, the cutest 4 year old little lad you possibly have ever seen, for the afternoon. His mother is bursting-pregnant and so I volunteered to take him around town for the afternoon. We had a delightful time. First, we dropped by the public library where we combed the shelves looking for books on cars, coyotes, volcanos, and dinosaurs. Then we stopped by the local Dairy Queen and each had a little cup of ice cream. I ate mine. He decided it would be better instead to smear it all over his face, his shirt, and his pants. We walked across the street to a little pizza joint that happened to have one of those old school arcade machines, you know, the ones where you drop in quarters and they let you play for a few turns? It was one of those classic ones - where you could either play Ms. Pacman, Galaga, or Donkey Kong. Caleb gave Ms. Pacman a few runs but inevitably got cornered and subsequently killed by those roaming, neon ghosts (Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Sue). We stuck around a little bit afterwards to watch the arcade self-run through various levels of Galaga, Donkey Kong, and Ms. Pacman again.

Caleb was fascinated by Donkey Kong. I think it may have changed his life. For the next 20 minutes, we had one of the most stimulating philosophical conversations I may have ever had. He fired questions at me left and right. It was relentless. He was plagued by what I perceived to be a simple plot and his little brain would not stop until he had sufficiently figured it out and what it all means for him, his family, and the universe. Our conversation went something like this:

"Who is that guy at the bottom?" Mario. "Why is he climbing up those ladders?" He is trying to get the Princess back. "Why does he want the Princess back?" Because Donkey Kong has her. "Why does Donkey Kong want the Princess?" I don't know. "Does Donkey Kong want to eat her?" He probably does. "Does he want to eat her for breakfast?" I bet he probably wants to eat her for lunch or dinner instead. "Why is Donkey Kong throwing those barrels?" He's trying to stop Mario from getting the Princess. "Why does Donkey Kong want to try and stop Mario?" I guess Donkey Kong wants the Princess all to himself. "Why is Donkey Kong so bad?" That is a good question. I'm not sure. "Why does Mario have two hammers?" I guess two is better than one, right? "How can he climb up the ladder with two hammers?" (I thought this was the best question he asked) - Wow, I don't know. I guess it would be hard to climb up the ladder while holding a hammer in each of your hands wouldn't it? "Why does Mario want the Princess?" He wants to save her from being eaten by Donkey Kong. "Does Mario want to eat her?" No, he wants to take her to the Candy Cane factory. "Who is that at the bottom?" That's Mario.

And on and on we went. I think our conversation ended with Caleb deducing that Donkey Kong kidnapped a woman of royalty to appease his carnivorous appetite, while a jumping, Italian plumber scaled multiple ladders to retrieve her back and take her to the North Pole where Santa was so that she could take her mind off the traumatic and perilous event. And somehow that made sense to him. Although with all of his inquiry, he failed to ask, what I thought, was the most important question, namely, what does a big, barrel-throwing gorilla have anything remotely to do with a donkey?