Big Foot has Big Feet

I normally hate shopping at the local grocer's, but not today, thanks to the friendly folks at Weekly World News. These are the professional journalists that publish those black and white tabloids that you look at in the check out aisle. Don't pretend like you don't read the headlines. I know you do. If you happened to catch the latest edition, you would know that Big Foot has recently gone on a diet. And it was quite successful.

On the left half of the front page was a bloated, dejected, and obese Big Foot. He was holding his ballooned, hairy stomach with a pitiful look of disappointment across his bearded face. It read: BEFORE 800 lbs. On the opposite side of the page was a much slimmer, much more enthusiastic Big Foot. He was showing off his trimmed midsection with his hands on his hips and he was smiling wide for the camera. It read: AFTER 650 lbs. In a large, bold font, the text ripping across the top was: "Big Foot Diet! He loses 150 lbs!" (and here is the kicker...) "It can work for you too!!"

I found this humorous enough to actually lift from its spot on the magazine rack and flip through it (there was only one copy left). I feel like the editors of Weekly World News deserve my time with this headline. I've seen the front pages about Bat Boy, impending apocalypses, and Satan-shaped clouds before, but nothing has demanded my attention like this one. Here they are trying to sell me a diet program by appealing to its success on Big Foot. They deserve nothing less.

My question is - How large do you really have to be to resort to the Big Foot diet? At what point is that even an option for you? When Jenny Craig, Atkins, and South Beach doesn't cut it, is the last option honestly the Big Foot Diet? Certainly, there is something inbetween. I'm curious to know what is even involved with the Big Foot diet. Just what was that mythic monster cutting back on? No more eating of humans? No more wildlife? Tree bark? And how in the world is that going to apply to ordinary folk like you and me.

I should of read the article to find out. My attention was diverted when I opened it up with a different article about a message from the future. Supposedly there will be a ground breaking story on Mars in 2023.