We don't really buy coke in our house. And by "coke," I am referring to all types of "soda," "pop," and "soda pop" (Coke included). Coke can be Coke. And coke can be Coke. But it can't be cooke. Or kreme.
As I was saying, we don't buy this stuff. It is a bit of a luxury. We drink water. Occasionally pink lemonade. Very rarely something with a prefix of "cran," but never really coke. So...anytime I am somewhere and there is free coke, I drink it. And I drink a lot of it. I can't stop.
Tonight we had a picnic for my seminary. There were burgers, brats (ooooh yeah), dogs, and chicken wing stew. And potato salad. And chips. And coke. Lots of coke. Free coke. Coca-cola Classic that is. And how classic it was.
I had three cans in the span of one hour and 45 minutes.
And I felt like I was going to yack the rest of the night. A stomach filled with cans of sugary-carbonated-syrup is not a good mix with junked out, bulk-bought burgers, handfulls of needless Lays Original potato chips, and an unnecessarily large scoop of room-temp potato salad. I think I am actually sweating coke. And about to vomit my entire dinner up onto this computer.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
When Chances Diet
I realized something very interesting today. Something very interesting indeed....
A "friend of mine" (who will go unnamed) invited me to go out to lunch with him and a group of people. I knew that I had some things to do that afternoon so I wanted to communicate to this (unnamed) "friend" that there was a possibility that I would show up. And, I might add, it was a pretty good possibility. So I said to this "friend" (Dave Kulp), "There is a...fat chance that I will be going."
As soon as this sentence left my lips I realized that I had misspoken. A "fat chance" seems to imply that there is not much of a chance in me going. So I corrected myself and said the exact opposite, "I mean, there is a...slim chance that I will be going."
And of course, this didn't really correct my previous statement. I still implied that the chances were low for me going out to lunch. Hmmm. Fat chance. Slim chance. I guess it doesn't really matter the exact "weight" of the chance, as soon as you designate it, you mean, "There is not much of a chance in me going." Next time I am going to say, "There is a moderately-sized-average-weight chance that I am going." This should get across what I mean.
Honestly people, how can a chance be "fat" anyway? Maybe the word people are really pronouncing is "phat." Remember when that was cool...to say "phat?" What happened to this linguistic gem? Will it come around and be cool again? Phat chance.
A "friend of mine" (who will go unnamed) invited me to go out to lunch with him and a group of people. I knew that I had some things to do that afternoon so I wanted to communicate to this (unnamed) "friend" that there was a possibility that I would show up. And, I might add, it was a pretty good possibility. So I said to this "friend" (Dave Kulp), "There is a...fat chance that I will be going."
As soon as this sentence left my lips I realized that I had misspoken. A "fat chance" seems to imply that there is not much of a chance in me going. So I corrected myself and said the exact opposite, "I mean, there is a...slim chance that I will be going."
And of course, this didn't really correct my previous statement. I still implied that the chances were low for me going out to lunch. Hmmm. Fat chance. Slim chance. I guess it doesn't really matter the exact "weight" of the chance, as soon as you designate it, you mean, "There is not much of a chance in me going." Next time I am going to say, "There is a moderately-sized-average-weight chance that I am going." This should get across what I mean.
Honestly people, how can a chance be "fat" anyway? Maybe the word people are really pronouncing is "phat." Remember when that was cool...to say "phat?" What happened to this linguistic gem? Will it come around and be cool again? Phat chance.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Liars....All Liars
Kathryn and I, united as Matthryn, somehow acquired free tickets to a "jazz club" a week or so back. Kat got them through her work and the day that the tickets were for happened to be on an afternoon where we didn't have much going on. So...we bounced on down to the local jazz club for some smokey, blue-like-jazz.
The event was a silent auction to try and keep afloat a local pottery store here in Charlotte and the "jazz" music was to be the background ambiance. It seemed like a pretty cool idea. We could walk around and check out the pottery and groove to the smokey, sleepy, syruppy jazz.
Well....we sort of did that. We got there and we did walk around and we did look at the pottery...but there was no music in the background. There was a stage, for sure, but it was empty. But we were informed the "jazz" was coming, so we sat down at a table and waited. Let's face it...we were there for the smokey syrup jazz. I really could care less about pottery.
So then the "band" gets up there. Two guys. That's it. One is holding a flute. The other is holding...nothing. And there are two mics set up. I'm a bit confused as to how this is going to work and then...my confusion is broken by the interuption of a full jazz band pouring in over the speakers. Drums, bass, guitars, pianos, brass, etc. The two men start grooving to this pre-recorded, canned "jazz" track and then one grabs the mic and starts singing. My jaw hit the floor. Are we serious here? This is the "jazz band?" This is what I came out for? Two men singing karaoke (and playing a flute) over an instrumental tape?
Not only was it a big let-down, but even for them to be singing (and playing flute) karaoke, they were utterly unprofessional. The main singer (not the flute player) would interact with the "sound guy" in the back IN BETWEEN LYRICS. He'd be in the middle of a Stevie Wonder joint and be singing, "I just called to say..." then look to the sound guy and ask, "Hey, am I loud enough" and then jump right back in and finish the lyric a few beats behind: "I love you." At one point during another song the karaoke singer tried to get somebody's attention to bring him a stool to sit on. Although for some reason, he didn't just ask somebody and interupt his song like he did with the sound guy. So he was singing away and trying to make eye contact with this one guy who was walking close to the stage. He's up there waving his hands because, Heaven-forbid he interupt his song now and actually ask the man for a stool. Somehow he gets his attention and is able to communicate "I want you to bring me a stool" while continuing to sing. This involved a lot of distracting pointing and gesturing and leaning away from the mic to grab the stool and mumbling some forgotten lyrics as he tried to set it up and get comfortable....while singing. It was a total joke.
I think Kathryn and I were the only ones actually listening to this. Everyone else was too concerned with the pottery, which ended up being the main attraction anyway. We left soon after that with a justified sense of music-righteousness, knowing that what just happened in there was not only not "jazz," it was not music. Utterly terrible. It may have been redeeming if this guy treated it like a karaoke thing and invited others to come up and sing. I would have dropped it like it was tav.
The event was a silent auction to try and keep afloat a local pottery store here in Charlotte and the "jazz" music was to be the background ambiance. It seemed like a pretty cool idea. We could walk around and check out the pottery and groove to the smokey, sleepy, syruppy jazz.
Well....we sort of did that. We got there and we did walk around and we did look at the pottery...but there was no music in the background. There was a stage, for sure, but it was empty. But we were informed the "jazz" was coming, so we sat down at a table and waited. Let's face it...we were there for the smokey syrup jazz. I really could care less about pottery.
So then the "band" gets up there. Two guys. That's it. One is holding a flute. The other is holding...nothing. And there are two mics set up. I'm a bit confused as to how this is going to work and then...my confusion is broken by the interuption of a full jazz band pouring in over the speakers. Drums, bass, guitars, pianos, brass, etc. The two men start grooving to this pre-recorded, canned "jazz" track and then one grabs the mic and starts singing. My jaw hit the floor. Are we serious here? This is the "jazz band?" This is what I came out for? Two men singing karaoke (and playing a flute) over an instrumental tape?
Not only was it a big let-down, but even for them to be singing (and playing flute) karaoke, they were utterly unprofessional. The main singer (not the flute player) would interact with the "sound guy" in the back IN BETWEEN LYRICS. He'd be in the middle of a Stevie Wonder joint and be singing, "I just called to say..." then look to the sound guy and ask, "Hey, am I loud enough" and then jump right back in and finish the lyric a few beats behind: "I love you." At one point during another song the karaoke singer tried to get somebody's attention to bring him a stool to sit on. Although for some reason, he didn't just ask somebody and interupt his song like he did with the sound guy. So he was singing away and trying to make eye contact with this one guy who was walking close to the stage. He's up there waving his hands because, Heaven-forbid he interupt his song now and actually ask the man for a stool. Somehow he gets his attention and is able to communicate "I want you to bring me a stool" while continuing to sing. This involved a lot of distracting pointing and gesturing and leaning away from the mic to grab the stool and mumbling some forgotten lyrics as he tried to set it up and get comfortable....while singing. It was a total joke.
I think Kathryn and I were the only ones actually listening to this. Everyone else was too concerned with the pottery, which ended up being the main attraction anyway. We left soon after that with a justified sense of music-righteousness, knowing that what just happened in there was not only not "jazz," it was not music. Utterly terrible. It may have been redeeming if this guy treated it like a karaoke thing and invited others to come up and sing. I would have dropped it like it was tav.
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