Kernels and Colonels

I remember in the olden days where it was customary to bring a teacher an apple. Perhaps the shiny, robust, Red Delicious would grant you a little extra something something when your teacher was grading your quizzes. You counted on that apple to give you something back. It was an unspoken rule: I give you the apple; you give me the A.

But upon reflection, I realized that an apple is not that great of a bribe. I mean, think about it - an apple? First of all, who would want a free piece of fruit? Is fruit really that hard to find? Is it really that expensive? No, fruit is everywhere. It is growing on the trees that you walk by on your way home from school. There are literally stacks of boxes of mountains of fruit in the grocery store (I do realize that I am in America, mind you).

And why, might I add, was it only an apple? How did this particular piece of fruit get selected as the understood gift for teachers? If I were a teacher, I'd be fairly upset with this system. You get stuck with a whole bunch of apples you didn't need nor want. Why not twinkies? Or cupcakes? Or even if were to stay within the realm of fruit, at least some variety every now and then. Throw an orange up in the mix. Or a kiwi. Heck, I'll even hit up a pomegranate.

If I were a teacher, I would announce on the first day of class, "No apples allowed. If you want to bribe me, actually bribe me. I like Starbucks gift cards and DVDs. I'll also take twinkies and pomegranates."

I also remember having to bring your own box of Kleenex at the beginning of the school year. This was the teachers' way of paying us back for all those unwanted apples. You're gonna give me 800 apples this year? That's fine. But now you have to go out and buy me a box of Kleenex to make up for the lack of twinkies.