An Epilogue

The following is taken from the Epilogue (After Word) of Reuben Thimpery's "Sandwiches: Neither Sand nor Witches"



So there you have it. The myth has been dispelled. The lies have been exposed. The rumors have been hushed. The whispering has dissipated. The longings have been crystalized.

Thus far we have traced the origins of the Sandwich - finding its vintage beginnings in the Middle Ages where men who "always needed to be holding something," developed a way to put lettuce between two hunks of barley dough. The Sandwich later intersected with the development of the Hamburger (which surprisingly did not originate in Hamburg, Germany, but rather Burgham, Russia. See ch. 19 - "Hamburg or Burgham?"), which of course, evolved and splintered off into several different modifications: the Bagel Sandwich, the Panini, the Wrap, the McMuffin, the Whopper, and the McRib. The concept was simple. The implications were devastating.

The government has long purported "sandwiches" to be a quick, easy, consumer product "on the go" (as they say, (see ch. 8 - "Sandwiches in Brown Bags are for Dumb People")) and have advertised them as such - roping in unsuspecting housewives, lawyers, children, and men who "always need to be holding something" (see ch. 14 - "Why Men Always Need to be Holding Something"). But "sandwiches" remain the most deceptive, duplicitous, egregious invention (with a patent) that the American government has produced. The lies have been exposed.

Sandwiches do not contain sand. All of the research reported in ch. 29 - "Mr. Sandman, Bring me a Lie" yielded that 99.9% of sandwiches across the globe contains no sand (with the only exception being the Sandy Clamwich in Menduza, India).

Furthermore sandwiches are not made by, nor have any known association with witchcraft. No spells, curses, magic, magick, sorcery, or any paranormal activity surrounds the creation and distribution of sandwiches, as our findings revealed in ch. 30 - "WitchCraftwich?"

So where do we go from here? Ethically, we must boycott. We must create new morally-significant ways of eating. Granola Bars are a great substitute. As are Porridge Bars. Soups are good. Stews, as well. Any Victorian Classic that pre-dates "sandwiches," really.